Underdogs Review

THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO UNIRONICALLY BELIEVE FILMS, LIKE OTHER MEDIA, SHOULD BE CONSIDERED AN ART FORM. THESE PRETENTIOUS FUCKS WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL AND INTELLIGENT FOR WASTING THEIR LIVES AWAY SITTING ON THEIR ASSES AND WATCHING ACTORS PRETEND THEY LIVE IN A FICTIONAL WORLD. WELL, YOU UPTIGHT PRICKS, IF YOU'RE SO DESPERATE TO SEE FILMS YOU WATCH AS ARTISTIC AND DEEP, SPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF WATCHING THIS AND TELL ME THE HIDDEN MEANINGS AND SYMBOLISM, WHY DON'T YOU?


UNDERDOGS (AKA THE UNBEATABLES FOR BRITFAGS AND METEGOL FOR ITS NATIVE COUNTRY ARGENTINA) IS...A MOVIE. IT'S DEFINITELY A MOVIE. ONE THAT I CHALLENGE ANY OF YOU ARTISTIC FUCKS TO FIND ANY SORT OF MEANING BEHIND, BECAUSE HOLY SHIT DID I FIND NONE. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THIS MOVIE WAS INTELLIGENT, CREATIVE, OR EVEN FUCKING COHESIVE. IT MAY BE A MOVIE, BUT IT DOESN'T COME CLOSE TO BEING A STORY, AS IT IS SO LACKING IN ANY KIND OF DEPTH, DEVELOPMENT, PACE, OR EVEN A FOCUS ON THE ACTUAL FUCKING NARRATIVE THAT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT'S ANYTHING BUT OBVIOUS FODDER FOR CHILDREN TO KILL THEIR BRAINS TO.

BUT BEFORE WE GET INTO THAT, A LITTLE BACKSTORY FOR HOW I DISCOVERED THIS LITTLE TURD OF A FILM. THE YEAR WAS 2015. I WAS STILL A WAGESLAVE AT MY LOCAL KMART. RECENTLY, WE HAD INSTALLED A DVD PLAYER IN OUR ELECTRONICS DEPARTMENT TO PLAY THE SAME DVD ON MULTIPLE TVS. THIS DVD WAS FULL OF MOVIE TRAILERS. THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE TRAILERS, AND BOY, DID IT EVER LEAVE QUITE THE IMPRESSION ON ME.


AFTER WAITING FOR A YEAR OR SO TO FIND THIS MOVIE SO I COULD GIVE IT THE PROPER DEMOLISHING IT DESERVED, BIG BRUBBER KOPO AND I FINALLY FOUND THE DAMN THING ON NETFLIX, SUPPLE AND WAITING FOR OUR PREDATORY EYES. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THIS IS WHAT CAME OF THAT VIEWING.

PLOT, CHARACTERS, WRITING. JUST FUCKING EVERYTHING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT OTHER CATERGORIES TO MAKE FOR A MOVIE
IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL THE MANGLED EVENTS WITHIN THIS FILM A "PLOT", WHERE THE FUCK DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH THIS SHIT? WE'RE TAKEN TO SOME FAMILY IN A HOME AT NIGHT. THE KID FEELS LIKE SHIT SO PAPA COMES TO THE RESCUE WITH AN "INSPIRING" STORY (IT'S INSPIRING, ALRIGHT. IT'LL INSPIRE YOUR KID TO JUMP OFF OF A BRIDGE) THAT IS OBVIOUSLY JUST HIS PAST LIFE.

WE ARE NOW IN THE PAST, VIEWING THE LIFE OF JAKE, A SMALL CHILD CERTAINLY BREAKING SOME LAW SOMEWHERE BY BEING AN UNDERAGED WORKER IN A CAFE. THERE, HE HAS HIS FIRST BONER AT THE SIGHT OF LAURA, WHO HE WILL OBVIOUSLY GET WITH AT THE END OF THE MOVIE (I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A SHIT IF THAT SPOILER CAME TOO EARLY. NOTHING IN THE MOVIE HINTS THAT THEY WON'T BECOME A THING). ONCE THIS IS ESTABLISHED, IN COMES THE BIG BAD BULLY, ACE. HE BULLIES JAKE A LITTLE UNTIL LAURA TELLS JAKE TO STOP BEING A PUSSY AND BEAT HIM IN A GAME OF FOOSBALL, WHICH HE DOES. THIS EARNS THE APPLAUSE OF EVERYONE IN THE CAFE, WHO WERE IGNORING EVERYTHING UNTIL THAT MOMENT JUST SO JAKE COULD FEEL EXTRA SPECIAL. ACE RUNS OUT AND BITCHES THAT HE'LL "GET THIS TOWN TO LIKE HIM", AND IT THEN HITS YOU THAT, YES, THE ENTIRE TOWN OF PEOPLE HATES THIS ONE KID. HOLY FUCK, WHAT IS THIS CHILD DOING THAT AN ENTIRE TOWN WANTS HIM DEAD? WHATEVER, ACE SWEARS REVENGE BECAUSE HE'S A PETTY BITCHASS WHO PROCLAIMS HE NEVER LOSES AT ANYTHING.

FLASHFORWARD SOME UNANNOUNCED AMOUNT OF YEARS. JAKE AND LAURA ARE NOW ADULTS. LAURA IS LEAVING FOR ART SCHOOL AND JAKE IS DEPRESSED ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE BEFORE ACE SHOWS UP IN SOME STUPID GRAND ENTRANCE. ACE IS NOW THE BEST SOCCER PLAYER IN THE WORLD AND IS SUPER RICH AND POWERFUL. HIS FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS TO TEAR DOWN THE TOWN AND CREATE A NEW STADIUM BECAUSE HE'S STILL MAD THAT HE LOST THAT FOOSBALL GAME. HOLY SHIT, SON, YOU ARE PATHETIC. AS THE BULLDOZERS AND OTHER VEHICLES AIM FOR THE CAFE, IT IS SAVED BY THE EFFORTS OF JAKE AND-


YEP.

WHILE THIS IS HAPPENING, LAURA DECIDES TO TAKE THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION THAT ONLY A WOMAN CAN: BITCH AT ACE FOR HIS MISDEEDS. SHE EVEN DECIDES TO FOLLOW HIM ALL THE WAY BACK INTO HIS HELICOPTER JUST TO ARGUE WITH HIM, AND IS THEN KIDNAPPED BY ACE.

LET ME REPEAT THAT.

WILLINGLY. STEPPED INTO. THE HELICOPTER.

STRAP YOURSELVES IN AND GRAB THE LUBE, BECAUSE IT'S ALL GOING DOWNHILL FROM HERE. JAKE, HAVING FAILED TO TELL LAURA HE LOVES HER, FAILING TO SAVE HIS TOWN FROM ACE, AND FAILING TO EVEN SAVE HIS FOOSBALL TABLE, CRIES WITH ONLY ONE OF THE PLASTIC FOOSBALL FIGURINES LEFT. AND, OH BOY, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.




THIS IS THE FACE YOU SEE WHEN YOU DIE.

SO, YEAH, UNDERDOGS JUST PULLED A "POKEMON: THE FIRST MOVIE". BUT LET ME TELL YOU, BRINGING AN INANIMATE OBJECT BACK TO LIFE THROUGH CRYING ISN'T EVEN THE WORST THING THIS MOVIE DOES. WE'LL GET TO THAT. FOR NOW, THE NOW-LIVING FIGURINE, NAMED SKIPPER, SAYS THAT JAKE'S TEARS ARE "MAGIC" (UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) AND THAT HE'LL HELP JAKE FIND LAURA, BUT THEY FIRST HAVE TO FIND THE REST OF THE FOOSBALL PLAYERS. MEANWHILE, ACE AND LAURA TALK WHILE HE FLIES HIS HELICOPTER AND NEARLY KILLS PEOPLE ON THE GROUND BELOW. RIVETING. THEN WE'RE BACK WITH JAKE AND SKIPPER AT A JUNKYARD. HERE, IT IS REVEALED THAT, FOR NO REASON, ALL OF THE OTHER FIGURINES ARE SUDDENLY ALIVE LIKE SKIPPER, EVEN THOUGH THEY RECEIVED NO MAGICAL TEARS. JAKE FINDS ABOUT THREE OF THEM, AND THEN THE FIGURINES ARE SUDDENLY ATTACKED BY RATS. JAKE, STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE FIGURINES AND THE RATS OPTS TO DO NOTHING. AT ALL. THE RATS CHASE THE FIGURINES, CAPTURE ONE NAMED RICO, AND THEN RICO IS ABLE TO TAME IT AND RIDE IT LIKE A HORSE BACK TO THE OTHER FIGURINES' HIDING PLACE. ALL IN THE SPAN OF A FEW MINUTES.

I'M NOT JOKING. THIS IS THE POINT IN THE MOVIE WHERE ITS RAGING SCHIZOPHRENIA DEFINITELY SHOWS. SCENES BEGIN TO CUT TO AND FRO, MAKE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER, FOCUS ON SOMETHING FOR A SOLID TWENTY SECONDS, AND SERVE ABSOLUTELY NO POINT IN DEVELOPING CHARACTERS OR PROGRESSING THE PLOT.

SO WHATEVER, THE FOOSBALL TABLE WITH THE REST OF THE FIGURINES IS FOUND, BUT TAKEN BY SOME CARNIVAL GUYS (BUT NOT BEFORE JAKE PILOTS A BULLDOZER BECAUSE HE CAN TO PREVENT THE BAD GUYS FROM GETTING IT). IN THE PROCESS, SEVERAL THINGS HAPPEN THAT NOBODY SHOULD CARE ABOUT: RICO RIDES A RAT AND IS ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH A MOVING CAR (YEP). RICO LOSES HIS HAIR. WE SEE ACE AND LAURA DOING NOTHING. THE CHARACTERS FOLLOW THE TRAIL RICO'S HAIR MADE TO REACH THE CARNIVAL (SOMEHOW HAVING KEPT UP WITH BOTH THE RAT AND THE CAR).

DEAR READER, THIS IS WHERE I WILL FULLY ADMIT THAT WE HAVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM. EVERY PROBLEM THAT COMPOUNDS THE MOVIE IS DOUBLED HERE, AND IT NEVER RECOVERS. SO, WHAT DO WE HAVE TO WORK WITH? THE REST OF THE FIGURINES ARE HERE AT THE CARNIVAL, EITHER BEING USED AS PART OF THE ATTRACTIONS, OR JUST, I DUNNO, FUCKING BEING THERE BECAUSE THEY CAN. WE'RE HIT WITH SEVERAL SCENES OF PURE NOTHING, WITH LITTLE RELEVANCE TO THE PLOT AT HAND. SKIPPER AND A COUPLE OTHER FIGURINES GO OFF TO SAVE THE MARIO BROTHERS IN FIGURE FORM, RICO IS PUT IN SOME SHITTY PUPPET SHOW BECAUSE "LOL, IT'S COMIC RELIEF GUYS!", JAKE RESCUES SOME OTHER GUYS. A PLAN IS FORMED TO HAVE THE BAD GUYS TAKE THE REST OF THE FIGURES ON THE TABLE TO LEAD THEM TO ACE. IT'S ABOUT AS FORMULAIC AS YOU CAN GET, AND IT'S ALL DONE WITHIN SUCH A SHORT TIMESPAN THAT YOU WONDER WHY THEY HAD THE FIGURINES GET LOST IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN THE END GOAL AFTER JAKE GETS ALL OF THEM?

SO ONCE A MAJORITY OF THE TEAM IS SAVED, INSTEAD OF, I DUNNO, HEADING TO ACE'S, THEY DECIDE TO FUCK AROUND AND PLAY A GAME OF SOCCER TO A GENERIC POP TUNE CREATED SOLELY FOR THIS MOVIE. DON'T WORRY, I WON'T LINK IT BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER HOW IT WENT. AT ALL. WHEN THEY SEE JAKE IS STILL IN LINKIN PARK MODE, THEY DECIDE TO ACTUALLY GO SAVE LAURA BECAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY NOT WHAT THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH IN THE FIRST PLACE. JAKE IS ABLE TO USE UNSEEN KUNG FU MOVES TO REPLACE THE DRIVER OF THE BAD GUY'S CAR WITH HIMSELF (WHICH BRINGS INTO QUESTION WHY THEY HAD THE OTHER FIGURINES GET CAPTURED IN THE FIRST PLACE), AND HE'S SOMEHOW ABLE TO KNOW HOW TO GET TO ACE'S, EVEN THOUGH HE'S NEVER BEEN THERE.

"BUT WAIT, CHUCK," YOU'RE ASKING, "WHAT'S GOING ON WITH LAURA AND ACE RIGHT NOW?" AND YOU KNOW, I COULD TELL YOU SOMETHING SINCE THE MOVIE LOVES RANDOMLY CUTTING TO THEM, BUT I CAN WHOLEHEARTEDLY TELL YOU THAT THEY'VE DONE BUTTFUCK NOTHING UNTIL JAKE SHOWS UP. EVERY SINGLE SCENE WITH THESE TWO ONLY SERVES TO STALL US FROM WHAT LITTLE MAIN PLOT IS EVEN OCCURING AT THE TIME. IF YOU WANTED ME TO BE HONEST AND SKIP ALL OF THE BULLSHIT, I WOULDN'T EVEN COVER THE ENTIRE SECOND ACT OF THIS MOVIE. IT IS A WHOLE LOAD OF NOTHING.

SO, NOW THAT JAKE IS THERE, ACE AND LAURA END UP DOING SOMETHING THAT ISN'T USELESS TO THE PLOT AND HEAD TO SOME SECRET UNDERGROUND LABORATORY AT ACE'S HOUSE. THE FIRST QUESTION THAT SPRINGS TO MIND IS: "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS EVEN DOING HERE?" GUESS WHAT? IT GETS BETTER. IN THIS UNDERGROUND LABORATORY THAT'S JUST HERE, ACE (OR SCIENTISTS WORKING FOR HIM? NEVER BROUGHT UP. DOESN'T MATTER) IS HARD AT WORK...

JUST...

JUST LOOK AT IT.






FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN'T TELL, ACE IS HARD AT WORK MIXING ANIMALS WITH SPORTS EQUIPMENT.

WHY. WHY IS HE DOING THIS? WHY IS THIS SUDDENLY IN THE MOVIE? THIS IS SO LEFT FIELD AND OUT OF NOWHERE. IS THERE A BENEFIT TO HIM? DOES THIS SOMEHOW MAKE HIM BETTER AT SOCCER? ARE THEY GOING TO SELL THESE ANIMALS? ARE THEY JUST DOING IT BECAUSE THEY CAN?

MIGHT AS WELL STOP ASKING QUESTIONS, BECAUSE EITHER IT NEVER TELLS YOU WHY HE'S DOING THIS, OR I DON'T REMEMBER BECAUSE, WELL, YOU'LL SEE IN A MINUTE.

SO YEAH, ACE IS DOING THIS, AND USING THE CAPTURED FIGURINES, WANTS TO MIX SOMETHING WITH HIS SHOE IN A GRINDER. ...BUT A GRINDER WOULD JUST DESTROY BOTH OF THEM. KNOW WHAT? I'M DONE ASKING. AS THE FIGURINES ALMOST MEET THEIR DOOM, JAKE AND THE REST ARE ABLE TO BREAK IN, ACE FIGHTING OFF JAKE EFFORTLESSLY WHILE THE FIGURES SAVE THE OTHER FIGURES. YIPPEE, I'M SO GLAD THEY'RE DOING THAT. I'M SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THEIR PLIGHT AND HOPE THEY MAKE IT OUT OKAY. SOME MISTAKE OR SOMETHING HAPPENS, ANIMALS ARE LET LOOSE AND GAS IS LEAKED IN THE LAB, AND AS JAKE, ACE, AND LAURA ESCAPE, THERE'S A SUDDEN SPARK FROM A SCREW HITTING THE GRINDER. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?


AND YOU'RE PROBABLY ASKING: "WHAT ABOUT THE ANIMALS INSIDE? WHAT ABOUT ACE'S PLANS?" IT'S OKAY, LITTLE ONE, BECAUSE LIKE THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED CONCEPTS, THIS PLOT POINT IS COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN. NEVER AGAIN IS IT GIVEN EVEN A PASSING MENTION BY ANY OF THE CHARACTERS WHATSOEVER. WHEN I FIRST LEARNED OF THIS, I WAS LEFT WONDERING WHY SUCH A THING WAS EVEN PUT IN THIS MOVIE IF IT WAS GOING TO BE DISPOSED OF SO QUICKLY.

AFTER THE DESTRUCTION OF THE LAB, WE FINALLY GET BACK ON TRACK WITH THE PLOT THE TRAILERS BUILT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND ONE THE MOVIE SEEMED TO HAVE FORGOTTEN UNTIL NOW: THE FATE OF JAKE'S TOWN. JAKE AND LAURA, HAVING BEEN ARRESTED, CHALLENGE ACE TO A GAME OF SOCCER TO SAVE THE TOWN. THE POLICE SEEM TO FORGET TO THROW THEM IN JAIL, HOWEVER, BECAUSE THEY'RE RIGHT TO RECRUITING PEOPLE FROM THE TOWN FOR THEIR SOCCER TEAM THE NEXT DAY. NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPENS EXCEPT ROMANTIC TENSION BETWEEN JAKE AND LAURA, THE TEAM FORMING AND SHIT, ACE GETTING HIS TEAM TOGETHER, ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC. JUST END ALREADY.

WE'RE FINALLY AT THE BIG GAME. YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT WAS SUDDENLY MADE A PLOT POINT ABOUT TEN MINUTES AGO. UNEXPECTEDLY, JAKE'S TEAM SUCKS DICK AT SOCCER IN COMPARISON TO ACE'S TEAM OF PROFESSIONALS, AND THE BEST SLAPSTICK SCENES OCCUR IN THIS PART OF THE FILM BECAUSE OF THAT.



I WASN'T JOKING. THIS IS THE ONLY JOKE IN THE MOVIE I GENUINELY LIKED. LISTENING TO THE SCREAMS OF DYING ANNOUNCERS, WHILE DARK FOR A KIDS' MOVIE, IS RIGHT UP MY ALLEY.

ACE'S TEAM IS WINNING, SO THE FIGURINES, FINALLY BEING USEFUL FOR ONCE DECIDE TO HELP TURN THE GAME IN JAKE'S FAVOR, MOVING THE BALL AROUND, PREVENTING ACE'S TEAM FROM SCORING, AND A COUPLE OTHER THINGS THAT HELP THE USELESS TEAM. PLEASE, PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORD I JUST USED. USELESS. THIS TEAM IS NOT GOOD. THEY CANNOT PLAY WORTH SHIT. JAKE, NOTICING THE FIGURINES INTERFERENCE, CRIES AND BITCHES TO THEM THAT, NO, THE FATE OF MY TOWN IS NOT ABOVE CHEATING TO WIN THIS GAME. PLEASE, UNDERDOGS, DON'T HELP ME TRY TO SAVE MY VERY WAY OF LIFE, BECAUSE CHEATING IS BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. AND WHILE I AND THE FIGURINES ARE LIKE, "DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK, ARE YOU RETARDED?" IT'S OKAY, BECAUSE SUDDENLY JAKE'S TEAM IS COMPETENT, ABLE TO PLAY, AND HOLD THEIR OWN AGAINST ACE'S TEAM.

UH, EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU'RE PLAYING AGAINST PROFESSIONAL SOCCER PLAYERS. YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN ON THE FIELD WITH THEM FOR AN HOUR. DO NOT GIVE ME THIS SHIT THAT THEY'RE SUDDENLY GOOD JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A TOWN TO SAVE. MOTIVATION OR NOT, IF YOU'RE AWFUL AT SOMETHING, YOU'RE AWFUL AT IT UNTIL YOU'VE HAD A GOOD AMOUNT OF PRACTICE AND EXPERIENCE.

BUT HEY, WHATEVER, WHO CARES? THIS IS JUST A STUPID KIDS' MOVIE. THEY WON'T QUESTION ANYTHING BECAUSE KIDS ARE STUPID. WHO NEEDS TO MAKE SENSE?

SO WEEEEE THEY PLAY AND IT'S SUPER CLOSE AND SHIT AND ACE IS AFRAID OF LOSING AGAIN. TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING, ACE KICKS JAKE'S LEG AND RUNS THE BALL TO THE OPPOSITE END OF THE FIELD TO SCORE, AND IT'S SO DRAMATIC BECAUSE IT'LL EITHER BE A TIE OR ACE WILL WIN. JAKE, MIRACULOUSLY IGNORING HIS INJURY, CHASES ACE TO PREVENT HIM FROM MAKING THE GOAL. GUESS WHAT, THOUGH? HE DOESN'T SUCCEED. YEP, ACE WINS THE GAME AND GLOATS ABOUT IT, BUT HERE COMES THE MORAL BULLSHIT THAT MAKES HIM A LOSER IN THE END. THE CROWD ISN'T CHEERING FOR ACE, BECAUSE, OH NO, HE DID A MEAN THING TO JAKE AND NOW PEOPLE KNOW THAT ACE IS AN ASSHOLE.

UH.

HOLD ON.

HE'S BEEN AN OBVIOUS ASSHOLE FROM THE BEGINNING. I MEAN, HELLO, HE WAS GOING TO TEAR DOWN AN ENTIRE TOWN FULL OF PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE IT REMINDED HIM OF HIS LOSS AS A CHILD. HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE JUST NOW BE SEEING THIS? HOW DOES HE EVEN HAVE FANS? WHY IS HE FAMOUS WHEN HE PULLS THIS KIND OF SHIT ON A REGULAR BASIS?

I...I'M SO GLAD THE MOVIE WAS ABOUT OVER AT THIS POINT. THIS WAS TOO MUCH. EXCEPT, WAIT, ACE STILL WON, SO HE STILL GOT TO TEAR DOWN THE TOWN. IT'S OKAY, THOUGH, BECAUSE AS JAKE EXPLAINS IN A MONOLOGUE TO HIS SON, THE PEOPLE WERE ABLE TO JUST UP AND BUILD AN ENTIRELY NEW TOWN. YEP. THEY HAD THE MONEY, RESOURCES, AND TIME TO JUST BUILD A COMPLETELY NEW TOWN TO LIVE IN WHILE ACE WAS ABLE TO TEAR DOWN THE OLD ONE TO MAKE HIS STADIUM AND SHIT. UH, HEY, WHAT HAPPENED IN BETWEEN THE OLD TOWN'S DESTRUCTION AND THE NEW ONE'S CONSTRUCTION? DID THE TOWNSPEOPLE HAVE ANYWHERE TO LIVE? WERE THEY GIVEN PUBLIC HOUSING BY SOME CHARITY? HELL, IF THIS WAS AN OPTION, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE?


WHY AM I STILL ASKING QUESTIONS?


JAKE AND LAURA GET TOGETHER, AND WE'RE BACK IN THE PRESENT. JAKE'S KID IS, OF COURSE, FEELING BETTER NOW THAT JAKE HAS TOLD SUCH AN AMAZING, INSPIRATIONAL, NONSENSICAL, PLOT-HOLE RIDDEN STORY. JAKE GOES TO TAKE HIS MEDS AND LETS HIS SON SLEEP KNOWING HIS FATHER IS EITHER INSANE OR RETARDED. HOWEVER, THE SON GETS UP ONCE AGAIN, GOES TO THE GARAGE, AND FINDS JAKE WITH THE STILL LIVING UNDERDOGS FIGURINES. JAKE, OUT OF SOME RANDOM KINDNESS, LETS HIS SON BECOME THE COACH FOR THE OTHER FIGURINE TEAM, THE NAME OF WHICH ESCAPES ME (AND DON'T CARE TO REMEMBER, EITHER). THE END.

FUCK THIS, I'M JUST GETTING TO THE CHARACTERS.

JAKE: OUR MAIN PROTAGONIST AND HATEABLE LOSER. HE IS DEPRESSED FOR TWO THIRDS OF THE MOVIE, AND THEN SUDDENLY GROWS A SENSE OF HONOR IN THE SOCCER GAME. CONSIDERING HOW LITTLE HE ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHES, I WOULDN'T EVEN REALLY CALL HIM A HERO.

LAURA: MAIN BITCH/LOVE INTEREST. SHE'S APPARENTLY GOING TO HEAD OUT TO ART SCHOOL, BUT SHOWS NO ARTISTIC PROWESS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE (IT'S NOT LIKE IT'D MAKE A DIFFERENCE. ART DEGREES ARE USELESS ANYWAYS, WHETHER YOU CAN DRAW OR NOT. LOW BLOW, ARTIST FRIENDS?). HER ONLY USE IS TO BE JAKE'S MOTIVATOR AND HIS MOUTH WHEN THE LITTLE PUSSY CAN'T SPEAK FOR HIMSELF. YOU NEVER EVEN SEE HER OLDER SELF, AND SHE'S ONLY IN LIKE HALF THE MOVIE, SO IS SHE REALLY THAT IMPORTANT?

ACE: THE PETTY LITTLE BITCHASS WHO CAN'T LET GO OF A GRUDGE. I'M SERIOUS WHEN I SAY THAT ACE IS BY FAR ONE OF THE WORST VILLAINS I'VE SEEN IN ANY FORM OF MEDIA. HIS MAIN MOTIVATION IS BEING A WHINY, SORE LOSER WHO'S SALTY HE GOT HIS ASS KICKED ONCE, AS A KID. HIS RESPONSE TO SUCH A TRAUMATIC LIFE EVENT ISN'T INDICATIVE OF SOME FORM OF INSANITY WHATSOEVER. NO SIR. THE FUNNY THING IS, I EXPECTED ACE TO BE PRETTY SMART, IF HIS TRAILER DEPICTION WAS ANYTHING TO GO BY, BUT HE'S AS DUMB AS ANYONE WHO UNIRONICALLY LIKES THIS MOVIE.

THE FIGURINES: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO NAME THEM INDIVIDUALLY BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO. YOU HAVE THE LEADER, EGOMANIAC, ITALIAN STEREOTYPES, HIPPIE/STONER DUDE, RUSSIAN GUY, ASIAN, EDGY, AND THEN THERE'S THE OTHER TEAM, TOO. THE FUNNY THING IS, THEY GET A GOOD AMOUNT OF THE SCREENTIME THROUGHOUT THE FILM, AND YET ARE PROBABLY THE MOST FLAT, USELESS CHARACTERS IN IT. I WAS CONVINCED THEY'D HELP JAKE LEARN HOW TO PLAY SOCCER, BUT THEY WERE BARELY CAPABLE OF EVEN HELPING JAKE SAVE LAURA. AS SAID ABOVE, THEY ONLY BECOME USEFUL DURING THE SOCCER GAME FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF TWO MINUTES.

ACE'S FAT, OLD EMPLOYEE: DID ACE'S DIRTY WORK AND THEN DITCHED HIM AT THE END BECAUSE HE HATED HIM ALL ALONG I GUESS? FUCK IF I KNOW. HE WAS VOICED BY MEL BROOKS, AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

ALL THE OTHER TOWNSFOLK: NOBODY CARES.

I'D ALSO LIKE TO NOTE THAT THE ACTING IN THIS MOVIE WAS ATROCIOUS. LINES WERE DELIVERED POORLY AND NOBODY SOUNDED LIKE THEY CARED. LIKE, THEY WERE ALL JUST READING THE SCRIPTS AND THAT'S IT. NONE OF THEM SOUNDED REAL. NOBODY WAS REALLY ACTING.

CONCLUSION
YOU KNOW WHAT? I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED BY ANY OF THIS. WAY BACK WHEN I WAS WATCHING THIS TRAILER IN KKKMART, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO WHEN I STARTED WATCHING. IT LOOKED TO BE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW TIER CHILDREN'S FODDER, AND BY GOD WAS I RIGHT IN THAT ASSUMPTION. CURIOUSLY ENOUGH, THE MURRICAN VERSION OF THIS FILM HAS ABOUT TWENTY ONE MINUTES OF CUT FOOTAGE, MAKING THE RUN TIME ABOUT AN HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES. THE ORIGINAL VERSION HAS AN EXTRA AMOUNT OF FOOTAGE, BUT WOULD THAT MAKE UP FOR THIS? DID THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE FINAL PRODUCT'S QUALITY? FUCK IF I CARE, THE ENGLISH VERSION HAS FOREVER TAINTED ME, AND I CAN NEVER LOOK AT THIS MOVIE IN A POSITIVE LIGHT.

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