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EDIT: OH WOW, I FORGOT A FUCKING CHARACTER. IF THAT'S NOT A SIGN OF HOW FORGETTABLE  THEY ARE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

    I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING RETIRED VET BEING BROUGHT IN FOR ONE LAST MISSION THAT WILL TURN INTO BEING BROUGHT IN FOR ANOTHER LAST MISSION AD INFINITUM UNTIL I DIE. BUT, AT THE REQUEST OF GAY FAGGOT :iconichibangravity:, I'M HERE TO TAKE YOU READERS THROUGH ANOTHER OF MY REVIEWS. AND LET ME TELL YOU, TODAY'S SUBJECT IS QUITE THE TREAT.

THEY SAY WHEN YOU GAZE INTO THE ABYSS, IT GAZES BACK UNTO YOU.

THIS IS SINISTER SQUAD, THAT GAY MOVIE MAKING STUDIO THE ASYLUM'S (CREATORS OF THAT HORRID SHARKNADO SHIT) ANSWER TO THE EQUALLY SHIT BUT EXTREME MONEY MAKER SUICIDE SQUAD. SEEING AS THIS IS A STRAIGHT-TO-DVD RIPOFF OF A BLOCKBUSTER WITH LITERAL NOBODY ACTORS, YOU CAN IMAGINE THE THRILL AND DELIGHT :iconmegakopotoo: AND I HAD IN WATCHING IT. NEVER BEFORE HAVE I SEEN A MOVIE THAT SO CLOSELY RESEMBLED A PARODY WHILE STILL TRYING TO BE A GENUINE, SERIOUS FILM. AND THAT POSTER RIGHT UP THERE? WELL, AS YOU'LL FIND OUT, THIS IS FAKE ADVERTISING AT ITS FUCKING FINEST. THIS WAS SO TRANSPARENTLY AN ATTEMPT AT CASHING IN ON SUICIDE SQUAD THAT I WOULDN'T BELIEVE ANYONE FOUND THIS MOVIE WITHOUT PRIOR KNOWLEDGE OF SAID SUPERHERO FILM'S EXISTENCE. BUT WHY AM I STILL GOING ON ABOUT THIS WHEN I CAN SHARE THE EXPERIENCE OF THIS MOVIE AND SPREAD THE AIDS TO YOUR SUPPLE, INNOCENT EYES?

PLOT
SO, THIS MAY ACTUALLY ALREADY BE AN INDICATOR OF WHAT KIND OF SHIT THIS MOVIE'S GETTING INTO, BUT THIS MOVIE TAKES PLACE IN THE MODERN WORLD WITH FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS BEING REIMAGINED AS SOMEWHAT NORMAL CITIZENS.

TELL ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE.

WE ARE INTRODUCED TO THE PIED PIPER, NAMED "PIPER" BECAUSE THEY HAD TO CALL HIM SOMETHING, GOLDILOCKS, NAMED "GOLDIE" BECAUSE THIS IS COOL AND MODERN, AND RUMPELSTILTSKIN, NAMED RUMPELSTILTSKIN BECAUSE HE'S NOT SPECIAL. PIPER AND GOLDIE ARE AGENTS OF SOME LAW-UPHOLDING AGENCY OR SOME SHIT, AND ARE SETTING RUMPLE UP FOR SOME KIND OF DRUG DEAL WITH A PIECE OF A BROKEN MAGIC MIRROR. RUMPLE GETS AWAY UNTIL HE'S CAUGHT BY A "MESSENGER OF DEATH" (MAN OH MAN ISN'T THIS JUST EDGY AS FUCK). RUMPLE IS THEN CAPTURED AND TAKEN TO SAID AGENCY BUILDING AS A PRISONER. HERE WE MEET ALICE OF ALICE IN WONDERLAND, AND TWEEDLE DEE AND TWEEDLE DUM. ALICE IS THE HEAD OF THE PLACE, TWEEDLES ARE LACKEYS, BLAH BLAH BLAH. RUMPLE IS APPARENTLY SUPER IMPORTANT BECAUSE HE KNOWS IMPORTANT THINGS OR SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW OR CARE, REALLY. FOR NO REASON, WE'RE THEN TREATED TO GOLDIE FINDING AND CAPTURING BLUEBEARD (HAVING TROUBLE KNOWING WHO THAT IS? I DON'T BLAME YOU), BY FAR THE WORST ACTOR IN THE MOVIE, BUT MY FAVORITE CHARACTER DUE TO THIS.

YESSSSSSS.

SO BECAUSE OF LAZY WRITING, INSTEAD OF HAVING CHARACTERS INTRODUCED TO US THROUGH LONGER, DEVELOPED SCENES FOR THEM, EACH "MONSTER" IS GIVEN SOME BACKGROUND THROUGH THE CLICHE "HERE'S OUR PRISONERS AND WHO THEY ARE" GARBAGE. THEY HAVE RUMPLE, BLUEBEARD, AND FOR SOME REASON, THE BIG BAD WOLF, WHO'S ACTUALLY JUST A DUDE WEARING SOME FAKE FANGS AND HAS SOME LONG OVERDUE FINGERNAIL CLIPPING TO DO.

NO, THAT ISN'T A GUY TRYING TO POORLY DRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN.

AFTER THOSE LAZY INTRODUCTIONS, THEY DECIDE TO GO FIND ONE MORE MONSTER FOR THE LULZ. THEY END UP FINDING "CARABOSSE" (I HAD TO GOOGLE THAT RIGHT FUCKING NOW TO FIGURE OUT WHO THAT EVEN WAS. IT'S MALEFICENT FROM SLEEPING BEAUTY, BUT WITH HER NON-JEWISH DISNEY NAME). AND LET ME TELL YOU, THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING JUST GOES TO HELL. SEE, DEATH WANTS TO RETURN TO THE OVERWORLD SO HE CAN TAKE OVER BECAUSE HE'S TIRED OF THE UNDERWORLD. CARABOSSE FUCKING LOVES HIM AND IS HIS PAWN. KEEP THESE IN MIND AS I CONTINUE, BECAUSE IT'LL EVENTUALLY DAWN ON YOU WHY THIS WAS THE DUMBEST FUCKING DECISION MADE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. THEY BRING BACK THE RABID ANIMAL BITCH AND SHE ALSO GETS HER OWN INTRO.

WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN SMARTER TO DO THIS ALL AT ONCE INSTEAD OF BREAKING THE FLOW TO GET ONE MORE MONSTER TO HAVE AN INTRODUCTION? DO YOU FAGGOTS KNOW WHAT WRITING IS?

SO WHATEVER, CARABOSSE RECOGNIZES RUMPLE BEFORE BEING DRAGGED AWAY WHILE ALICE, SHOWING HER SUPREME INTELLECT, BRINGS RUMPLE TO THE ARMORY, SPECIFICALLY FOR SOME OF THE THINGS THEY GOT FROM DEATH'S MESSENGERS. BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SHOW YOUR ENEMY WHERE YOU KEEP ALL OF YOUR WEAPONS. SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HE KNOWS, AND RIGHT FUCKING THERE IS A PIECE OF THE BROKEN MAGIC MIRROR HE WANTS. GG, ALICE. WHEN NOTHING IS SAID, ALL OF THE MONSTERS ARE ALL BROUGHT BACK TO THEIR CELLS. CARABOSSE GOES CRAZY, SO RUMPLE ATTEMPTS TO GET THE ATTENTION OF TWEEDLE DEE, THE GUARD. WHEN HE ARRIVES, INSTEAD OF ASKING WHAT RUMPLE, THE ONE WHO BROUGHT TWEEDLE HERE, WANTS, HE INSTEAD GOES TO CARABOSSE, AND THEN-


INTELLIGENCE AT ITS FINEST.

WITH DEE DEAD, CARABOSSE TAKES HIS KEYS AND SUMMONS DEATH, WHO EXPLAINS TO HER HOW HE CAN COME BACK TO RULE THE OVERWORLD. BECAUSE HIS SCYTHE IS IN THE ARMORY, CARABOSSE CAN PERFORM A RITUAL THAT WILL ALLOW HIM TO RETURN TO THE OVERWORLD PERMANENTLY. YEP, THAT'S RIGHT. HE HAS EVERYTHING HE NEEDS HERE TO FULFILL HIS PLAN. AND HOW DID HE GET IN? CARABOSSE. WHO BROUGHT HER HERE? PIPER AND GOLDIE. EARLIER IN THE MOVIE, ALICE NOTED THAT THEY'RE CAPTURING MONSTERS TO BE ABLE TO COMBAT DEATH AND HIS MESSENGERS, SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT ONE OF THE MONSTERS TO CATCH SHOULD HAVE TOTALLY BEEN THE ONE WHO'S OBSESSED WITH BRINGING DEATH BACK TO EARTH, THE EXACT THING THEY'RE TRYING TO PREVENT? GEE WHIZ GUYS, IT'S LIKE BRINGING THE ONE WITCH WHO COULD HELP DEATH CONQUER THE WORLD TO THE PLACE WHERE ALL OF HIS AND HIS MESSENGERS' WEAPONS ARE WAS A BAD IDEA. I MEAN, WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED THAT SHE MIGHT FIND A WAY TO ESCAPE (EASILY, MIGHT I ADD) AND ADVANCE DEATH'S PLOT?

SO NOW THAT DEATH'S HERE, HIS MESSENGERS ARE READY TO ASSAULT THE VERY LOWLY-STAFFED AGENCY HEADQUARTERS (THE ONLY STAFF HERE ARE ALICE, GOLDIE, PIPER, AND THE TWEEDLES. REAL POWERFUL, EH). BLUEBEARD BREAKS OUT AND ATTACKS GOLDIE, WHO IS SAVED BY THE WOLF, WHO TURNS OUT TO HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ESCAPE THIS ENTIRE TIME. WOLF REVEALS HE'S NOT ACTUALLY A BAD GUY, SHOWING HE HAS A SOFT SPOT FOR GOLDIE. ALICE FORCES RUMPLE TO WORK FOR HER BY STRAPPING A BOMB TO HIM, AND MAKING HIM CONVINCE THE QUEEN OF HEARTS, HIS OLD FLAME, TO ALSO HAVE A BOMB STRAPPED TO HER.

OH, I GET IT. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE JOKER AND HARLEY QUINN. HOW CLEVER.

QUEEN IS THEN INSTRUCTED TO USE HER MIND CONTROL POWERS ON BLUEBEARD TO GET HIM TO JOIN THEIR GAY LITTLE TEAM, AND WITH WOLF OBEDIENTLY LISTENING TO GOLDIE, THE "SINISTER SQUAD" IS BORN (EXCEPT THEY AREN'T REALLY A SQUAD SO MUCH AS THEY ARE A COUPLE PEOPLE UNDER THE ORDERS OF ONE GOOD GUY EACH). THIS IS ABOUT THIRTY MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE. I DON'T KNOW IF SUICIDE SQUAD PULLED THE SAME SHIT, BUT JESUS. RUMPLE EXPLAINS THAT HE MADE A DEAL WITH DEATH TO OBTAIN THE MAGIC MIRROR. OOOOOO. INSTEAD, RUMPLE BROKE IT BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT DEATH TO COME HERE. NOW EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE, BUT THAT'S ASSUMING ANYTHING MATTERS IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE. FOR A GOOD FEW MINUTES AFTER THIS, WE HAVE POINTLESS ACTION SCENES. I WON'T GO INTO DETAIL. THEY'RE BORING.

ALICE, AFTER TAKING ADVICE FROM A LAUGHING RABBIT FIGURINE-

SERIOUSLY.
DECIDES IT'S TIME TO GET ONE MORE ALLY IN THE FIGHT AGAINST DEATH. THE MAD HATTER.

JUST ABOUT EVERY "RE-IMAGINED" FAIRY TALE CONCEPT COMPLETELY KILLS THE ORIGINAL.

SO WHAT DO THEY NEED THE...DRUG ADDICT (HOLY FUCK I MIGHT VOMIT) HATTER FOR? WHY, TO TAKE MORE DRUGS THAT LET HIM SEE INTO THE UNDERWORLD SO THEY KNOW WHAT DEATH MIGHT BE PLANNING.

WINDOWS MOVIE MAKER AT ITS FINEST.

MEANWHILE, PIPER DECIDES TO GO COMFORT TWEEDLE DUM SINCE HE WAS A CUNT TO HIS BROTHER. DUM HOLDS HIM IN A HUG THAT GOES ON FOR TOO LONG, BUT BEFORE WE CAN REACH THE YAOI SEGMENT, WE CUT BACK TO HATTER EXPLAINING DEATH'S PLAN. HATTER EXPLAINS THINGS WE ALREADY KNEW (DEATH NEEDS HIS SCYTHE AND WANTS RUMPLE), MEANING THIS SCENE SERVED NO PURPOSE OTHER THAN TO LET THE GOOD GUYS KNOW, AGAIN, THAT RUMPLE'S IN DEEP SHIT WITH DEATH. BUT OH NO, THE QUEEN'S RUN OFF BECAUSE SHE'S A PISSY BITCH. WHATEVER WILL RUMPLE DO? BACK WITH PIPER AND DUM, THEY'RE STILL HUGGING, WHEN SUDDENLY-



ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME.

WITH TWEEDLE DUM'S CHEAP DEATH, PIPER TRIES TO FIGHT BACK, BUT IS SAVED BY QUEEN'S MIND CONTROLLING OF THE MESSENGER, BEFORE SHE MIND CONTROLS HIM TO LET HER THROUGH INTO THE ARMORY AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. RUMPLE GOES TO TALK HER OUT OF BEING A BITCH WHILE PIPER RECAPTURES CARABOSSE. HATTER RIDDLES AGAIN, SO ALICE SOMEHOW FIGURES THEY SHOULD OFFER DEATH A DEAL: LEAVE THE OVERWORLD AND HE GETS RUMPLESTILTSKIN.

HA!

TURNS OUT RUMPLE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO DEATH THAN HAS BEEN LET ON.


EVERYTHING THIS MAN DOES CAN BE MADE INTO A MEME.

SINCE RUMPLE'S HAD MAGIC POWER AND HE'S LIVING, IF DEATH GETS HIS BODY, HE'LL BE INVINCIBLE AND SHIT. IN RETURN, RUMPLE GETS THE UNDERWORLD. WITH THE DEAL MADE, ALICE BREAKS DOWN IN FRONT OF HER RABBIT TOY ONCE AGAIN AND SENDS PIPER TO GET THE QUEEN. RUMPLE BEATS HIM THERE, AND AFTER AN EMOTIONAL ARGUMENT AND KISS WITH QUEEN, KILLS HER, SO HE MAY COURT HER IN THE UNDERWORLD. WITH QUEEN DEAD, BLUEBEARD (A CHARACTER ALONG WITH GOLDIE AND WOLF THAT THE MOVIE FORGOT ABOUT UNTIL A MINUTE AGO) IS NO LONGER UNDER HER CONTROL. HE STABS WOLF, WHICH SOMEHOW MAKES HIM WANT TO KILL GOLDIE...I GUESS? FUCK IF I KNOW THE RULES OF BEING THE BIG BAD WOLF.

NOTE THAT GOLDIE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING NOTICE THE STABBING.

  BACK AT THE HOLDING CELLS, RUMPLE AND ALICE GET INTO AN ARGUMENT BECAUSE WHEN DON'T THEY? BLUEBEARD STABS PIPER, GRABS DEATH'S SCYTHE, THINGS GO TO SHIT, WHATEVER, DEATH'S HERE FOR THE RITUAL AND SHIT. MEANWHILE, GOLDIE IS CORNERED BY WOLF, WHO'S ABOUT READY TO KILL HER. HOW DOES SHE GET OUT OF THIS ONE?

YEP.

DO I EVEN HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT WOLF AND GOLDIE MAKE IT TO THE RITUAL AND START FIGHTING BLUEBEARD AND CARABOSSE? YEAH, FIGHT BREAKS OUT, WHATEVER, THE MOVIE'S ABOUT OVER. NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPENS EXCEPT THEY FREE RUMPLE FROM DEATH'S GRASP AND WOLF SACRIFICES HIMSELF TO SAVE GOLDIE.



HOW HEROIC THAT HE JUST SORT OF...CASUALLY WALKED INTO IT.

GOLDIE KILLS BLUEBEARD AND THEN FALLS DOWN AND CAN'T GET UP. DEATH POSSESSES CARABOSSE. ALICE LETS RUMPLE HANDLE DEATH, TRICKING HIM INTO FINISHING THEIR DEAL WITH A HANDSHAKE, LETTING ALICE KILL THEM BOTH WITH THE EXPLOSIVE. WOOWWWWWWOWOWWOWWOWOW SUCH MASTER PLANNING. AS A BONUS, SINCE DEATH IS DEAD (IF THAT MAKES SENSE) BUT RUMPLE NOW RULES THE UNDERWORLD, HE'S ABLE TO JUST GIVE BACK THE SOULS OF EVERY GOOD GUY WHO DIED.

EXCEPT TWEEDLE DUM, APPARENTLY. GEE WHIZ I WONDER IF IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE PLAYED BY THE SAME GUY?

RUMPLE, NOW THE NEW DEATH, TELLS ALICE THAT HE'LL MAKE ONE FINAL DEAL WITH HER: SHE WATCHES THINGS IN THE OVERWORLD, HE WATCHES THINGS IN THE UNDERWORLD. THEY AGREE, EVERYONE'S HAPPY. THE END.


GOOD GOD I CAN'T EVEN PUT INTO WORDS HOW BAD IT REALLY IS. HERE'S THE OBLIGATORY CHARACTERS LIST INSTEAD, EVEN THOUGH I JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT ALL OF THEM.

CHARACTERS
RUMPLESTILTFORESKIN: PRETTY MUCH THE MAIN CHARACTER. FOR SOME REASON HE MAKES CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS WHEN HE DOES STUFF. IS THE JOKER BUT FOR THIS MOVIE.
ALICE: I CAN'T COME UP WITH A DUMB NAME FOR HER. HEAD OF THE WHATEVER AGENCY. GOOD GUYS. SOMETHING.
GOLDICOCKS: JUST A GIRL AGENT. BLAND AS FUCK.
DIAPER: AT LEAST HAS MORE PERSONALITY THAN GOLDIE. WOW, HE'S KIND OF SMUG. LOOK OUT, THIS GUY'S A REAL HANDFUL!
DEATH: THE BAD GUY. HAS A REALLY ECCENTRIC PERSONALITY AND HAS THE INNATE ABILITY TO MAKE HIMSELF A MEME AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT.
BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: IRONICALLY THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF A FAT WOMAN, WOLF IS YOUR TYPICAL MISUNDERSTOOD MONSTER.
BLUEWAFFLEBEARD: YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
OBSCURE FAIRY TALE WITCH NOBODY CARES ABOUT: READ TITLE.
QUEEN OF FARTS: ADDED BECAUSE I FORGOT HER. SHE'S RUMPLE'S BITCH AND IS A PISSY CUNT.
TWEEDLE ECKSDEE AND TWEEDLE DUMP: THE SAME EXPENDABLE CHARACTER. NOBODY CARES.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN MAKE FUN OF?

MUSIC
I'M SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING BARREL, BUT YEAH, SURE. EVERY SONG IN THIS MOVIE IS A GENERIC TUNE BY SOME NOBODY BAND THAT HASN'T SOLD ANY MUSIC BECAUSE THEY'RE OPPRESSED OR SOMETHING. I REALLY COULDN'T THINK THIS JOKE THROUGH AND THIS IS CLEARLY FILLER.

CONCLUSION
I MAKE FUN OF VIDEO GAMES AND ANIME BETTER. I CAN'T DO SHIT FOR MOVIES. BUT WHATEVER, ONLY LIKE FOUR PEOPLE WILL EVEN FUCKING READ THIS ANYWAYS. SO YEAH WHATEVER THE ACTING WAS BAD THE PLOT WAS BAD THE CHARACTERS ARE BAD THE END. I'M DONE.

SCORE/SCORE

P.S. FUCK YOU DEVIANTART FOR THINKING PUUSH SCREENCAPS ARE SPAM, SO I HAVE TO MANUALLY SAVE EACH SCREENSHOT, UPLOAD THEM TO THIS HELLHOLE, AND THEN INSERT THEM ALL OVER AGAIN. THIS IS PART OF THE REASON I QUIT.
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:icongrievousfan:
grievousfan Featured By Owner Edited Feb 3, 2017  Student General Artist
I went into Suicide Squad convinced it was an edgy teenage boy's wet dream and came out even more fully convinced it was an edgy teenage boy's wet dream/power fantasy.
Joker was fucking useless through the whole movie, I mean REALLY. You could've cut out the whole Joker/Harley Quinn rescue side-story and it wouldn't have affected the plot at all. Might've even shortened the movie by a good ten minutes, which would have been great because those are ten minutes I'll never get back.
:stare:

Journal points: I couldn't follow the plot of this movie even when it was presented in text form. Whuh?
Reply
:iconthatrandomnerd:
ThatRandomNerd Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2017  Professional Artist
So Suicide Squad is as shit as everyone says it is, eh.
Reply
:icongrievousfan:
grievousfan Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2017  Student General Artist
Watchin' this shit like

"...so was there a plotline here or...?"
Reply
:iconthatrandomnerd:
ThatRandomNerd Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2017  Professional Artist
I would say we should watch that together, but I have so little interest in superhero garbage as is.
Reply
:iconalienhominid2000:
alienhominid2000 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2017
At least Suicide Squad is enjoyable than that rip off version of Suicide Squad (Sinister Squad) 
Reply
:iconthatrandomnerd:
ThatRandomNerd Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2017  Professional Artist
I actually wouldn't know. I haven't seen Suicide Squad.
Reply
:iconwholetthemonstersout:
wholetthemonstersout Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2017  Student Traditional Artist
I know who Bluebeard is; he's that guy who kills his wives and hides them in a room. 
Reply
:iconthatrandomnerd:
ThatRandomNerd Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2017  Professional Artist
A+
He hasn't been in a Disney movie, so I know most people are unaware of who he is.
Good on you.
Reply
:iconwholetthemonstersout:
wholetthemonstersout Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2017  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconmegakopotoo:
MegaKopoToo Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
Reply
:iconthatrandomnerd:
ThatRandomNerd Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2017  Professional Artist
Yeeeeeeeessssssssssssss.
Reply
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February 2
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