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EDIT: OH WOW, I FORGOT A FUCKING CHARACTER. IF THAT'S NOT A SIGN OF HOW FORGETTABLE  THEY ARE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

    I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING RETIRED VET BEING BROUGHT IN FOR ONE LAST MISSION THAT WILL TURN INTO BEING BROUGHT IN FOR ANOTHER LAST MISSION AD INFINITUM UNTIL I DIE. BUT, AT THE REQUEST OF GAY FAGGOT :iconichibangravity:, I'M HERE TO TAKE YOU READERS THROUGH ANOTHER OF MY REVIEWS. AND LET ME TELL YOU, TODAY'S SUBJECT IS QUITE THE TREAT.

THEY SAY WHEN YOU GAZE INTO THE ABYSS, IT GAZES BACK UNTO YOU.

THIS IS SINISTER SQUAD, THAT GAY MOVIE MAKING STUDIO THE ASYLUM'S (CREATORS OF THAT HORRID SHARKNADO SHIT) ANSWER TO THE EQUALLY SHIT BUT EXTREME MONEY MAKER SUICIDE SQUAD. SEEING AS THIS IS A STRAIGHT-TO-DVD RIPOFF OF A BLOCKBUSTER WITH LITERAL NOBODY ACTORS, YOU CAN IMAGINE THE THRILL AND DELIGHT :iconmegakopotoo: AND I HAD IN WATCHING IT. NEVER BEFORE HAVE I SEEN A MOVIE THAT SO CLOSELY RESEMBLED A PARODY WHILE STILL TRYING TO BE A GENUINE, SERIOUS FILM. AND THAT POSTER RIGHT UP THERE? WELL, AS YOU'LL FIND OUT, THIS IS FAKE ADVERTISING AT ITS FUCKING FINEST. THIS WAS SO TRANSPARENTLY AN ATTEMPT AT CASHING IN ON SUICIDE SQUAD THAT I WOULDN'T BELIEVE ANYONE FOUND THIS MOVIE WITHOUT PRIOR KNOWLEDGE OF SAID SUPERHERO FILM'S EXISTENCE. BUT WHY AM I STILL GOING ON ABOUT THIS WHEN I CAN SHARE THE EXPERIENCE OF THIS MOVIE AND SPREAD THE AIDS TO YOUR SUPPLE, INNOCENT EYES?

PLOT
SO, THIS MAY ACTUALLY ALREADY BE AN INDICATOR OF WHAT KIND OF SHIT THIS MOVIE'S GETTING INTO, BUT THIS MOVIE TAKES PLACE IN THE MODERN WORLD WITH FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS BEING REIMAGINED AS SOMEWHAT NORMAL CITIZENS.

TELL ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE.

WE ARE INTRODUCED TO THE PIED PIPER, NAMED "PIPER" BECAUSE THEY HAD TO CALL HIM SOMETHING, GOLDILOCKS, NAMED "GOLDIE" BECAUSE THIS IS COOL AND MODERN, AND RUMPELSTILTSKIN, NAMED RUMPELSTILTSKIN BECAUSE HE'S NOT SPECIAL. PIPER AND GOLDIE ARE AGENTS OF SOME LAW-UPHOLDING AGENCY OR SOME SHIT, AND ARE SETTING RUMPLE UP FOR SOME KIND OF DRUG DEAL WITH A PIECE OF A BROKEN MAGIC MIRROR. RUMPLE GETS AWAY UNTIL HE'S CAUGHT BY A "MESSENGER OF DEATH" (MAN OH MAN ISN'T THIS JUST EDGY AS FUCK). RUMPLE IS THEN CAPTURED AND TAKEN TO SAID AGENCY BUILDING AS A PRISONER. HERE WE MEET ALICE OF ALICE IN WONDERLAND, AND TWEEDLE DEE AND TWEEDLE DUM. ALICE IS THE HEAD OF THE PLACE, TWEEDLES ARE LACKEYS, BLAH BLAH BLAH. RUMPLE IS APPARENTLY SUPER IMPORTANT BECAUSE HE KNOWS IMPORTANT THINGS OR SOMETHING. I DON'T KNOW OR CARE, REALLY. FOR NO REASON, WE'RE THEN TREATED TO GOLDIE FINDING AND CAPTURING BLUEBEARD (HAVING TROUBLE KNOWING WHO THAT IS? I DON'T BLAME YOU), BY FAR THE WORST ACTOR IN THE MOVIE, BUT MY FAVORITE CHARACTER DUE TO THIS.

YESSSSSSS.

SO BECAUSE OF LAZY WRITING, INSTEAD OF HAVING CHARACTERS INTRODUCED TO US THROUGH LONGER, DEVELOPED SCENES FOR THEM, EACH "MONSTER" IS GIVEN SOME BACKGROUND THROUGH THE CLICHE "HERE'S OUR PRISONERS AND WHO THEY ARE" GARBAGE. THEY HAVE RUMPLE, BLUEBEARD, AND FOR SOME REASON, THE BIG BAD WOLF, WHO'S ACTUALLY JUST A DUDE WEARING SOME FAKE FANGS AND HAS SOME LONG OVERDUE FINGERNAIL CLIPPING TO DO.

NO, THAT ISN'T A GUY TRYING TO POORLY DRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN.

AFTER THOSE LAZY INTRODUCTIONS, THEY DECIDE TO GO FIND ONE MORE MONSTER FOR THE LULZ. THEY END UP FINDING "CARABOSSE" (I HAD TO GOOGLE THAT RIGHT FUCKING NOW TO FIGURE OUT WHO THAT EVEN WAS. IT'S MALEFICENT FROM SLEEPING BEAUTY, BUT WITH HER NON-JEWISH DISNEY NAME). AND LET ME TELL YOU, THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING JUST GOES TO HELL. SEE, DEATH WANTS TO RETURN TO THE OVERWORLD SO HE CAN TAKE OVER BECAUSE HE'S TIRED OF THE UNDERWORLD. CARABOSSE FUCKING LOVES HIM AND IS HIS PAWN. KEEP THESE IN MIND AS I CONTINUE, BECAUSE IT'LL EVENTUALLY DAWN ON YOU WHY THIS WAS THE DUMBEST FUCKING DECISION MADE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. THEY BRING BACK THE RABID ANIMAL BITCH AND SHE ALSO GETS HER OWN INTRO.

WOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN SMARTER TO DO THIS ALL AT ONCE INSTEAD OF BREAKING THE FLOW TO GET ONE MORE MONSTER TO HAVE AN INTRODUCTION? DO YOU FAGGOTS KNOW WHAT WRITING IS?

SO WHATEVER, CARABOSSE RECOGNIZES RUMPLE BEFORE BEING DRAGGED AWAY WHILE ALICE, SHOWING HER SUPREME INTELLECT, BRINGS RUMPLE TO THE ARMORY, SPECIFICALLY FOR SOME OF THE THINGS THEY GOT FROM DEATH'S MESSENGERS. BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SHOW YOUR ENEMY WHERE YOU KEEP ALL OF YOUR WEAPONS. SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT HE KNOWS, AND RIGHT FUCKING THERE IS A PIECE OF THE BROKEN MAGIC MIRROR HE WANTS. GG, ALICE. WHEN NOTHING IS SAID, ALL OF THE MONSTERS ARE ALL BROUGHT BACK TO THEIR CELLS. CARABOSSE GOES CRAZY, SO RUMPLE ATTEMPTS TO GET THE ATTENTION OF TWEEDLE DEE, THE GUARD. WHEN HE ARRIVES, INSTEAD OF ASKING WHAT RUMPLE, THE ONE WHO BROUGHT TWEEDLE HERE, WANTS, HE INSTEAD GOES TO CARABOSSE, AND THEN-


INTELLIGENCE AT ITS FINEST.

WITH DEE DEAD, CARABOSSE TAKES HIS KEYS AND SUMMONS DEATH, WHO EXPLAINS TO HER HOW HE CAN COME BACK TO RULE THE OVERWORLD. BECAUSE HIS SCYTHE IS IN THE ARMORY, CARABOSSE CAN PERFORM A RITUAL THAT WILL ALLOW HIM TO RETURN TO THE OVERWORLD PERMANENTLY. YEP, THAT'S RIGHT. HE HAS EVERYTHING HE NEEDS HERE TO FULFILL HIS PLAN. AND HOW DID HE GET IN? CARABOSSE. WHO BROUGHT HER HERE? PIPER AND GOLDIE. EARLIER IN THE MOVIE, ALICE NOTED THAT THEY'RE CAPTURING MONSTERS TO BE ABLE TO COMBAT DEATH AND HIS MESSENGERS, SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT ONE OF THE MONSTERS TO CATCH SHOULD HAVE TOTALLY BEEN THE ONE WHO'S OBSESSED WITH BRINGING DEATH BACK TO EARTH, THE EXACT THING THEY'RE TRYING TO PREVENT? GEE WHIZ GUYS, IT'S LIKE BRINGING THE ONE WITCH WHO COULD HELP DEATH CONQUER THE WORLD TO THE PLACE WHERE ALL OF HIS AND HIS MESSENGERS' WEAPONS ARE WAS A BAD IDEA. I MEAN, WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED THAT SHE MIGHT FIND A WAY TO ESCAPE (EASILY, MIGHT I ADD) AND ADVANCE DEATH'S PLOT?

SO NOW THAT DEATH'S HERE, HIS MESSENGERS ARE READY TO ASSAULT THE VERY LOWLY-STAFFED AGENCY HEADQUARTERS (THE ONLY STAFF HERE ARE ALICE, GOLDIE, PIPER, AND THE TWEEDLES. REAL POWERFUL, EH). BLUEBEARD BREAKS OUT AND ATTACKS GOLDIE, WHO IS SAVED BY THE WOLF, WHO TURNS OUT TO HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ESCAPE THIS ENTIRE TIME. WOLF REVEALS HE'S NOT ACTUALLY A BAD GUY, SHOWING HE HAS A SOFT SPOT FOR GOLDIE. ALICE FORCES RUMPLE TO WORK FOR HER BY STRAPPING A BOMB TO HIM, AND MAKING HIM CONVINCE THE QUEEN OF HEARTS, HIS OLD FLAME, TO ALSO HAVE A BOMB STRAPPED TO HER.

OH, I GET IT. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE JOKER AND HARLEY QUINN. HOW CLEVER.

QUEEN IS THEN INSTRUCTED TO USE HER MIND CONTROL POWERS ON BLUEBEARD TO GET HIM TO JOIN THEIR GAY LITTLE TEAM, AND WITH WOLF OBEDIENTLY LISTENING TO GOLDIE, THE "SINISTER SQUAD" IS BORN (EXCEPT THEY AREN'T REALLY A SQUAD SO MUCH AS THEY ARE A COUPLE PEOPLE UNDER THE ORDERS OF ONE GOOD GUY EACH). THIS IS ABOUT THIRTY MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE. I DON'T KNOW IF SUICIDE SQUAD PULLED THE SAME SHIT, BUT JESUS. RUMPLE EXPLAINS THAT HE MADE A DEAL WITH DEATH TO OBTAIN THE MAGIC MIRROR. OOOOOO. INSTEAD, RUMPLE BROKE IT BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT DEATH TO COME HERE. NOW EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE, BUT THAT'S ASSUMING ANYTHING MATTERS IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE. FOR A GOOD FEW MINUTES AFTER THIS, WE HAVE POINTLESS ACTION SCENES. I WON'T GO INTO DETAIL. THEY'RE BORING.

ALICE, AFTER TAKING ADVICE FROM A LAUGHING RABBIT FIGURINE-

SERIOUSLY.
DECIDES IT'S TIME TO GET ONE MORE ALLY IN THE FIGHT AGAINST DEATH. THE MAD HATTER.

JUST ABOUT EVERY "RE-IMAGINED" FAIRY TALE CONCEPT COMPLETELY KILLS THE ORIGINAL.

SO WHAT DO THEY NEED THE...DRUG ADDICT (HOLY FUCK I MIGHT VOMIT) HATTER FOR? WHY, TO TAKE MORE DRUGS THAT LET HIM SEE INTO THE UNDERWORLD SO THEY KNOW WHAT DEATH MIGHT BE PLANNING.

WINDOWS MOVIE MAKER AT ITS FINEST.

MEANWHILE, PIPER DECIDES TO GO COMFORT TWEEDLE DUM SINCE HE WAS A CUNT TO HIS BROTHER. DUM HOLDS HIM IN A HUG THAT GOES ON FOR TOO LONG, BUT BEFORE WE CAN REACH THE YAOI SEGMENT, WE CUT BACK TO HATTER EXPLAINING DEATH'S PLAN. HATTER EXPLAINS THINGS WE ALREADY KNEW (DEATH NEEDS HIS SCYTHE AND WANTS RUMPLE), MEANING THIS SCENE SERVED NO PURPOSE OTHER THAN TO LET THE GOOD GUYS KNOW, AGAIN, THAT RUMPLE'S IN DEEP SHIT WITH DEATH. BUT OH NO, THE QUEEN'S RUN OFF BECAUSE SHE'S A PISSY BITCH. WHATEVER WILL RUMPLE DO? BACK WITH PIPER AND DUM, THEY'RE STILL HUGGING, WHEN SUDDENLY-



ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME.

WITH TWEEDLE DUM'S CHEAP DEATH, PIPER TRIES TO FIGHT BACK, BUT IS SAVED BY QUEEN'S MIND CONTROLLING OF THE MESSENGER, BEFORE SHE MIND CONTROLS HIM TO LET HER THROUGH INTO THE ARMORY AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. RUMPLE GOES TO TALK HER OUT OF BEING A BITCH WHILE PIPER RECAPTURES CARABOSSE. HATTER RIDDLES AGAIN, SO ALICE SOMEHOW FIGURES THEY SHOULD OFFER DEATH A DEAL: LEAVE THE OVERWORLD AND HE GETS RUMPLESTILTSKIN.

HA!

TURNS OUT RUMPLE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO DEATH THAN HAS BEEN LET ON.


EVERYTHING THIS MAN DOES CAN BE MADE INTO A MEME.

SINCE RUMPLE'S HAD MAGIC POWER AND HE'S LIVING, IF DEATH GETS HIS BODY, HE'LL BE INVINCIBLE AND SHIT. IN RETURN, RUMPLE GETS THE UNDERWORLD. WITH THE DEAL MADE, ALICE BREAKS DOWN IN FRONT OF HER RABBIT TOY ONCE AGAIN AND SENDS PIPER TO GET THE QUEEN. RUMPLE BEATS HIM THERE, AND AFTER AN EMOTIONAL ARGUMENT AND KISS WITH QUEEN, KILLS HER, SO HE MAY COURT HER IN THE UNDERWORLD. WITH QUEEN DEAD, BLUEBEARD (A CHARACTER ALONG WITH GOLDIE AND WOLF THAT THE MOVIE FORGOT ABOUT UNTIL A MINUTE AGO) IS NO LONGER UNDER HER CONTROL. HE STABS WOLF, WHICH SOMEHOW MAKES HIM WANT TO KILL GOLDIE...I GUESS? FUCK IF I KNOW THE RULES OF BEING THE BIG BAD WOLF.

NOTE THAT GOLDIE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING NOTICE THE STABBING.

  BACK AT THE HOLDING CELLS, RUMPLE AND ALICE GET INTO AN ARGUMENT BECAUSE WHEN DON'T THEY? BLUEBEARD STABS PIPER, GRABS DEATH'S SCYTHE, THINGS GO TO SHIT, WHATEVER, DEATH'S HERE FOR THE RITUAL AND SHIT. MEANWHILE, GOLDIE IS CORNERED BY WOLF, WHO'S ABOUT READY TO KILL HER. HOW DOES SHE GET OUT OF THIS ONE?

YEP.

DO I EVEN HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT WOLF AND GOLDIE MAKE IT TO THE RITUAL AND START FIGHTING BLUEBEARD AND CARABOSSE? YEAH, FIGHT BREAKS OUT, WHATEVER, THE MOVIE'S ABOUT OVER. NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPENS EXCEPT THEY FREE RUMPLE FROM DEATH'S GRASP AND WOLF SACRIFICES HIMSELF TO SAVE GOLDIE.



HOW HEROIC THAT HE JUST SORT OF...CASUALLY WALKED INTO IT.

GOLDIE KILLS BLUEBEARD AND THEN FALLS DOWN AND CAN'T GET UP. DEATH POSSESSES CARABOSSE. ALICE LETS RUMPLE HANDLE DEATH, TRICKING HIM INTO FINISHING THEIR DEAL WITH A HANDSHAKE, LETTING ALICE KILL THEM BOTH WITH THE EXPLOSIVE. WOOWWWWWWOWOWWOWWOWOW SUCH MASTER PLANNING. AS A BONUS, SINCE DEATH IS DEAD (IF THAT MAKES SENSE) BUT RUMPLE NOW RULES THE UNDERWORLD, HE'S ABLE TO JUST GIVE BACK THE SOULS OF EVERY GOOD GUY WHO DIED.

EXCEPT TWEEDLE DUM, APPARENTLY. GEE WHIZ I WONDER IF IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE PLAYED BY THE SAME GUY?

RUMPLE, NOW THE NEW DEATH, TELLS ALICE THAT HE'LL MAKE ONE FINAL DEAL WITH HER: SHE WATCHES THINGS IN THE OVERWORLD, HE WATCHES THINGS IN THE UNDERWORLD. THEY AGREE, EVERYONE'S HAPPY. THE END.


GOOD GOD I CAN'T EVEN PUT INTO WORDS HOW BAD IT REALLY IS. HERE'S THE OBLIGATORY CHARACTERS LIST INSTEAD, EVEN THOUGH I JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT ALL OF THEM.

CHARACTERS
RUMPLESTILTFORESKIN: PRETTY MUCH THE MAIN CHARACTER. FOR SOME REASON HE MAKES CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS WHEN HE DOES STUFF. IS THE JOKER BUT FOR THIS MOVIE.
ALICE: I CAN'T COME UP WITH A DUMB NAME FOR HER. HEAD OF THE WHATEVER AGENCY. GOOD GUYS. SOMETHING.
GOLDICOCKS: JUST A GIRL AGENT. BLAND AS FUCK.
DIAPER: AT LEAST HAS MORE PERSONALITY THAN GOLDIE. WOW, HE'S KIND OF SMUG. LOOK OUT, THIS GUY'S A REAL HANDFUL!
DEATH: THE BAD GUY. HAS A REALLY ECCENTRIC PERSONALITY AND HAS THE INNATE ABILITY TO MAKE HIMSELF A MEME AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT.
BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: IRONICALLY THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF A FAT WOMAN, WOLF IS YOUR TYPICAL MISUNDERSTOOD MONSTER.
BLUEWAFFLEBEARD: YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
OBSCURE FAIRY TALE WITCH NOBODY CARES ABOUT: READ TITLE.
QUEEN OF FARTS: ADDED BECAUSE I FORGOT HER. SHE'S RUMPLE'S BITCH AND IS A PISSY CUNT.
TWEEDLE ECKSDEE AND TWEEDLE DUMP: THE SAME EXPENDABLE CHARACTER. NOBODY CARES.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN MAKE FUN OF?

MUSIC
I'M SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING BARREL, BUT YEAH, SURE. EVERY SONG IN THIS MOVIE IS A GENERIC TUNE BY SOME NOBODY BAND THAT HASN'T SOLD ANY MUSIC BECAUSE THEY'RE OPPRESSED OR SOMETHING. I REALLY COULDN'T THINK THIS JOKE THROUGH AND THIS IS CLEARLY FILLER.

CONCLUSION
I MAKE FUN OF VIDEO GAMES AND ANIME BETTER. I CAN'T DO SHIT FOR MOVIES. BUT WHATEVER, ONLY LIKE FOUR PEOPLE WILL EVEN FUCKING READ THIS ANYWAYS. SO YEAH WHATEVER THE ACTING WAS BAD THE PLOT WAS BAD THE CHARACTERS ARE BAD THE END. I'M DONE.

SCORE/SCORE

P.S. FUCK YOU DEVIANTART FOR THINKING PUUSH SCREENCAPS ARE SPAM, SO I HAVE TO MANUALLY SAVE EACH SCREENSHOT, UPLOAD THEM TO THIS HELLHOLE, AND THEN INSERT THEM ALL OVER AGAIN. THIS IS PART OF THE REASON I QUIT.
If you're someone who watches me (and actually views my content. No matter how many times I ask for feedback, a only good two of you say something, and that includes my brother), you may have noticed I've been real quiet the past month or two. There's a reason for that. In a twist of dramatic irony, I've found myself drifting towards tumblr more than this place. With the group I fucked with pretty much dead, I've sort of moved on to another one, and they're much more tumblr-based. Not only that, but tumblr makes it easier to post my lego horses (instead of having to make a giant picture, I can upload one at a time in a big collage). With only two people here even remotely showing interest in them (one who already follows my tumblr and the other I am in frequent contact with anyways) I see no point in posting them here. So if you happen to be one of the few people who were interested in my content, I'm letting you know that it's going to get a lot quieter around here. I'll be around, possibly posting some stuff, but as much as it pains me to say it, tumblr's become my new main platform. If by some crazy chance you want to follow me there, I'll note you my blog (but I doubt anybody will take me up on the offer anyways, so why bother asking).
Should I even go through the (minimal, but still annoying) trouble of piecing together each screencap I take into a single image? I'm getting the impression nobody here really gives a shit about them.

This is a nice video. He even appeals to my politics. I think I like this guy.

Bonus: Here's him showing off the nice comments from SU fans.
"lol these candidates suck oh man they're so scary doesn't this suck XDXDXDXDXDXDXD"
No more of hearing this shit, no more retarded "x is Hitler" memes, no more shit talk, no more. None. One side is salty as fuck and another side is celebrating. But in time shit will go back to normal, people will move on with their lives, and then everyone will learn to deal with it or flee the country or whatever the fuck it is you have planned.
Until 2020.
When the process will repeat.
Again.
I'll be enjoying the time in between now and then.

Small addendum:
Put extremely well by :iconmichaeljlarson:
Ss+(2016-11-09+at+01.06.51) by ThatRandomNerd
  • Listening to: the sound of a bullet sliding into a revolver
  • Reading: my will
  • Watching: the last moments of my life
  • Playing: russian roulette
  • Eating: a bullet
  • Drinking: my blood
I don't dress up because I'm not a stupid kid.
This is how to spend Halloween.
  • Listening to: the sound of a bullet sliding into a revolver
  • Reading: my will
  • Watching: the last moments of my life
  • Playing: russian roulette
  • Eating: a bullet
  • Drinking: my blood
eiken
Reaction by ThatRandomNerd

this doesn't deserve an intro

plot: you know there's a saying my younger brother likes to spout. "there's a reason i don't watch anime." wisest words a man has ever spoken. because after viewing this anime, i've come to terms with the fact that my hatred for this media form is so strong that i'm willing to see an entire country and its people be wiped off the face of the earth. the fact that this exists and people consume and enjoy it unironically is enough to anger me. there are people who argue that anime is an art form. no. no it's not. not when shit like what i have watched exists. as long as the entirety of anime is stereotyped as nothing but big tittied women constantly showing their schoolgirl pantsus and being raped by tentacles, it will never be an art form.

"hey chuck shut the fuck up and get with the plot summary already. this is obviously an intro anyways," i hear you saying.

let me respond to that with a question and an image


what plot is there

this...thing...is so devoid of any story. so little of it matters when it shows up that it may as well not even bother. the only reason eiken exists is to get people to masturbate. it is chinese cartoon porno but with the added benefit of blueballing you out of any view of tits, pussy, or sex. i mean i could give you about a two sentence summary and that would be all you need. here goes.

boy likes girl and gets with her at the end. during this trying time two schools compete in a competition so obviously geared towards making females look sexual that any feminist within a fifty mile radius cries misogyny.

there.

so why am i writing this you might be asking. to vent, you theorize. well listen here, i'm not someone who cries about my problems on the internet thank you. no, i'm writing this because i feel as though someone with an outsiders perspective of anime should take this journal entry as a warning. if you're looking for something intelligent, for the love of god, go watch a classic movie, read a classic novel, hell, even play one of those fucking artsy-fartsy indie video games hipsters praise as being the second-coming of narrative-based gaming (undertale was better than this. undertale). do not watch anime. do not think of watching anime. do not think anime even exists. no matter which anime you watch there will always be shining moments of retardation. the fact that this anime is nothing but those moments gives you an idea of what you're getting into.

i think i got cancer from viewing this. my head hurts and i'm pretty sure there's a tumor in my brain now. i guess i should get to the characters before i die, then.

characters: then again, none of them are different from your generic anime archetype. they don't have any difference in personality. there is no individuality. all males are nothing but tools to further the minimalist story. all females only exist to make you hard. every human being within this anime serves to remind you of what an abomination of a country japan is. but oh well. here they are.

boy:  moves the story along
love interest girl:  biggest tiddies in the whole two episodes of this thing
red hair girl:  makes up for small tits with lots of panty shots. thanks
purple hair girl:  p.s. she likes to eat phallic-shaped foods because lololololololol isn't that funneeeeeee
6th grader:  the national age of consent in japan is 13 years old. this character makes sense when you consider that fact
blue hair girl:  filler
green hair girl:  a teacher maybe or something does it look like i fucking care. her tits magically grow the moment her clothes come off.
yellow hair girl:  fortune teller or something
giant goddamn bear:  contributes nothing. says nothing. does nothing. is placed in the background to look cute. removing him would change nothing.
other boy:  antagonist


conclusion: don't watch this. don't bother to ever look it up out of curiosity. forget this review once you're done reading it. it's not worth your time. it never will be. i don't even have a score for this. there's no reason to give it one. it is terrible.
  • Listening to: the sound of a bullet sliding into a revolver
  • Reading: my will
  • Watching: the last moments of my life
  • Playing: russian roulette
  • Eating: a bullet
  • Drinking: my blood
At last, I've seen every episode of the season and am now free for another half year. Not that that's something to be completely happy about, but at least I won't have to get up on Saturday mornings to watch the show live now ("But what about watching it on the internet?" Live just feels more unique. You're seeing it for the first time with all others watching. Plus, you won't get spoiled when everyone starts talking about it.)

Getting back on track, Top Bolt was a decent episode that featured the rarely used "friendship problem" plot device. I mean, it's nice when they use it (especially because it replaced Celestia entirely, so they better damn well put it to use) but the rarity at which it's brought up makes you wonder why they even made it at all. Regardless, Twilit Blend and Rambo Cunt are sent to the Wonderbolt Academy to assist two ponies who everyone including me are hellbent on having fuck. Seriously, little Vapor Trail helping Sky Stinger with his flying ever since childhood, her wanting to stay with him wherever he goes, and then ultimately getting into the academy together while helping each other train has to mean something. Hell, I hate shipping, but the "just friends" excuse here makes even me raise an eyebrow.

...right, there's still an episode to talk about. I kind of rolled my eyes when Twilit and Dash had differing opinions on how to solve the problem, as this was also done in Spice Up Your Life, but it thankfully was handled a little differently. Instead of having them try their separate methods to culminate in failure when combined, each method was tried one at a time, still culminating in failure (the conflict has to keep going) but leading to a different type of resolution. It was nice seeing a similar plot point not rehashed into the same kind of resolution. Aside from that, other good parts of the episode included Dash not being a huge cunt for once and a decent amount of development for Vapor and Sky, who will no doubt be one-off characters, but ones that made an impression.

7/10
No, this isn't related to my post about being with horse for five years. Rather, six years ago today, horse premiered on The Hub. Christ, has it changed over the years. Watching any episode from Season 1 is like watching an almost entirely different show. Some would argue it's gotten better, others worse. But no matter your opinion, if you've been into horse at all, you have this day to thank for it existing. Happy anniversary faggots. Here's to another eternity of watching this show.
Overslept and had to watch this one online. Curse my biological functions. Anyways, I didn't really know what to expect from this kind of episode, as the synopsis says that the entire Apple family ended up in the hospital because of Applejack's lies ("How would that even be possible?" I pondered before watching). After seeing the episode, it's certainly not wrong that they ended up in a hospital, but not in the way you would think. I suppose that's where the hook for the episode came from. I do like that Applejack and Big Mac weren't the same exact characters they are in the present, and it's understandable that Granny Smith is. It helps make the whole "past" thing more believable (despite the whole visual aid, too). As a little tidbit, Filthy Rich's wife and Diamond Tiara's mom used to be named "Spoiled Milk". Jesus Christ, DHX, you're making this whole name thing even more confusing for us. Does that mean Mrs. Cake wasn't always Mrs. "Cake"? What kind of a pony has "Cup" in their name? When Pumpkin grows up to get married, how will the "Pumpkin" part fit with the new surname? And what about any of our main characters? What about ponies who are just one-word names like Rarity?

...never mind. Episode was decent, but nothing special.

6/10
So with the finale of Season 6 already aired in the UK, it was only a matter of time before I got around to watching it. Funny thing is, I was sort of pushed into it by the fact that the dumbfuck anons at /mlp/ wouldn't shut up about it, so I wanted to just get it over with before I was completely spoiled. That was already somewhat of a failure, seeing as I was shown images from the end of part 2, so I partially knew what to expect. Did that ruin my enjoyment of the episode, though? Not at all. Even though I knew who was going to be the villain and which unexpected character would end up becoming vital to the climax, the finale still threw a good couple curveballs at me. Anyways, I'll be putting a huge amount of spaces in between this and where the actual spoilers start, in case you've actually gotten this far without wanting to be spoiled. Here's your warning.





So yeah, I found it pretty cool that they were able to use Thorax as the turning point for the entire changeling hive, especially since I just expected him to be a one-off character to only occasionally be seen. While I felt the conflict was rushed a little too fast, I'm at least glad it took a bit of time before Starlight learned why her friends were being weird. All of the royalty is of course Worfed again, but at least Luna was useful for the episode, both in helping Starlight overcome her fears and to tell her the situation (Is Celestia ever going to get anything? Ever?). Better yet was the cast assembled to fight the changelings were enjoyable to watch, but their assembly pretty much gives away the lesson of the episodes (Starlight doesn't think she's a good leader, and shouldn't be at all. She is and does). When they reach the changeling hive, I find it a little odd that they're able to just, walk around without any trouble until the plot calls for it. Still, it's cool to see the characters in action and doing something, proving that the mane 6 aren't the only ponies who can be heroes.

I found it an interesting move to make the changelings good guys at the end, led by a transformed Thorax, because now the only known villain we have is Chrysalis by herself. I mean, yeah, she vows revenge on Starlight, but bitch, your words don't mean shit when you no longer have your army. Here's to hoping they're able to think up some good new villain for Season 7, because it'd suck if all we had to rely on was the now-solo Chrysalis.

It feels weird to be writing about the finale before the season is actually over, so I'll be updating this entry when all the other episodes have aired with my rating for the season (which will just be an average made up from my ratings of all other episodes), but for now, I'll be giving the early aired finale an 8/10.


Update: Now that I've seen all of the season, it's time to rate the season as a whole. Hooray. I'll just be using an average made from all the previous episodes' scores, and I'm counting both two-parters as one episode, so it'll be divided by 22 (I'm sure you just want me to get to that already instead of talking about math. Then again, that implies there are people reading). SO.

140.5/22 = 6.4
So a 6/10.
About what I expected.
There are artists out there who cry and whine when their work is criticized, but why whine and cry when you yourself are going to hate your own drawings in the future (or maybe even presently) anyways?
Our first episode of the entire series that is under the Rashomon effect, P.P.O.V. is, like The Saddle Row Review, unique in its presentation and format. Does that make it good, though? If you ask me...ehhhhh. It wasn't a particularly bad episode, but nothing about it was really good either. I'm mainly just confused as to why these three really close friends would paint each other in such a negative (and bizarre) light (even if it is amusing to watch). I think this entire concept would have worked better with three one-off characters whom Twilight (or anyone else) met and tried to help. What I found worse about the episode is the resolution, or rather, how quickly Twilight's able to solve it. Just draw a few things on the chalkboard and bam, done. Even with her extreme expanse of knowledge of creatures and ecosystems and whatnot, I find it a little funny that she was able to single out the cucumber sandwiches, bubbles, and tidal waves as the only common things in the stories (when there was also pinata time and the fight over the map). All in all, this was just a very "eh" episode.

5/10
I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of expecting this episode to be kind of dumb, but lo and behold, it's turned out to be a pretty good one. I had expected the episode to play out much differently than it did, which is probably what I like so much about it: it caught me off guard. I didn't expect Starlight's spell to act like a fucking flash bomb, either. Whatever the case, mind-controlled pony antics ensued how you think they would: taking Starlight's commands literally and not how she wanted. It was pretty entertaining watching the hijinks happen, even though I could call some of them. What I wasn't expecting was Twilight to come back so soon. I thought the mind control would wear off, apologies would be handed out, and the ponies would rush to clean up before Twilit got back. Instead, we got Starlight apologizing after Twilight freed them, then the rest of the manes coming back to help Starlight clean up, completing the friendship lessons in the process.

There's apparently an issue with how quickly the manes forgave Starlight for brainwashing them. Personally, while I can see it's a valid complaint, at the same time, it's a 22-minute cartoon. You aren't going to be able to hit the strict time limit unless you can cut corners. While it is kind of a valid criticism, I personally didn't think it'd play out any other way. It's a show about magical horses and friendship, guys. Of course they're going to be a lot more tolerant of that shit. Anyways, all-in-all, I liked it.

8/10
Today's episode featured a return to the nearly forgotten "friendship problem" plot device. Funnily enough, though, there were already spoilers up on the MLP wiki (from some source I don't recall), so I'd already seen a part of the episode's plot coming. Despite that, I found it a decently enjoyable episode. It wasn't anything fancy or one that would blow you away with character development and whatnot, but it's interesting to see Flim and Flam at each others' throats (already done in the comics, but who gives a fuck about those?). I also did get a slight surprise when Gladmane saw through the characters' plan to reveal his douchebaggery, though it was easy to see how they'd get him to admit it afterwards (really, when you're in the room with loudspeaker and gloating about how awesome your plan is, it's not hard to figure out what happens next). What I didn't expect was that to also be part of the plan. All in all, today's episode was decent, and I liked seeing Flim and Flam return and to use their conning abilities towards helping the protagonists.

7/10
For anyone who knows me, you'd be aware of the fact that I'm into the Zombies mode of Treyarch's Call of Duty titles. I've been with them since World at War (Kind of. I didn't get too into it until Black Ops, but I had interest since the beginning). A couple friends who've talked to me also know of my passion for the surprisingly complex story of Zombies. Really, it's a surprise that such a low-brow, casual, simple game contained such a gem of a story (even if it wasn't within the main game itself). Who'd have thought the misadventures of a brash American soldier, a drunken Russian, an honorable Japanese warrior, and a psychopathic German doctor would become one of my most beloved tales in video games? Better yet, to have spawned from something as insignificant as a little extra game mode? Yes, CoD Zombies certainly became a beast of its own, and Treyarch's main (and for me, only) selling point for their Call of Duty titles.

I won't lie, with the release of Black Ops 3 in November 2015, I had very little hopes for the story anymore. To be brief, the ending to Zombies in Black Ops 2 enraged me (and just about the entirety of the community) due to it implying that the game had pulled the "oh, it was all just kids playing a game" cliche. Our first map in the game had seemingly nothing to do with any of the previous story, and the remake of an old classic, The Giant, was sold as pre-order DLC, filling me with the idea that our old characters would be shelved off to the side, with little acknowledgement other than that they were still alive. As the story progressed though, I saw something. Der Eisendrache, the first DLC map to arrive, gave me what I had lost at the ending in the previous game.

Hope.

Hope that, maybe, things were going somewhere. That the mystery and intrigue of the olden days was returning, and not in the shitshow fashion of anything that happened in Black Ops 2 (sans Mob of the Dead and Origins). Richtofen had a plan, a simple one: kill the old versions of our heroes and collect their souls in an effort to save everything. There was a real focus, and with each new map, cutscene, Easter egg, quote, cipher, and trailer, there was development beyond the old characters' stereotypical portrayals in World at War and Black Ops, and the world around them. They became more serious, while retaining some of the quirks that made their old selves likable.

Just last week at the time of this writing, the final map of Black Ops 3, Revelations, was released. With an introduction to the mysterious, omnipotent character Dr. Monty, signs that this was the end of Zombies entirely, and answers to many of the questions the previous maps had been building up to, I was certainly looking forward to this map with bated breath. Just about eight hours ago, the "main Easter egg" of the map was finally beaten after about a week of effort, the longest in Zombies history, and we were finally given our ending.






I am not pleased.

Now, this is nowhere near the trainwreck Origins ended on (as we know now that was intended to be a cliffhanger to lead into Black Ops 3), but I can't help but feel wanting just by watching this. I'm not satisfied by what we were given, so to speak. About an hour or so after the ending, I wrote down some things that I don't think the ending resolved. If I didn't lose your interest before (I'd be surprised if any of my watchers even read past the first sentence), I probably will now, what with several notes only Zombies fans would understand. Regardless.

-So what happened to Weasel? We never got a real conclusion with him.

-Does the ending imply that the characters are going to do this over and over again? It is said that they "complete the cycle".

-Who is Doctor Monty? We didn't get much development aside from "he's a god". No answers as to his character, he just suddenly pops in at the end. Who is the Shadowman? Dialogue in Revelations says he and Monty used to be friends, but that's it.

-What of the children? The characters' eternal souls are in the house, but after the events of Revelations, what's happening to them now? Are they safe?

-Where the fuck is Sam? She had such little presence throughout Black Ops 3 that I forgot she was even a character.

-Why couldn't the characters just return to their original world and go back to their old lives? That was what they wanted, wasn't it?

-The blood vials protected the characters from disintegrating from existence, but were they really needed? Couldn't Richtofen (or any other character for that matter) have just talked to Monty?

Revelations contains little to no revelations. It leaves more questions unanswered than before. As I said before, it doesn't come close to being as bad as Origins, but it feels as if it was just shit out at the last second, rushed so as to meet a deadline. It was such an underwhelming, unsatisfying ending, that I refuse to believe this is the true end to Zombies mode. I, of course, cynically believe that Treyarch will try to come up with some half-baked plot for their next Call of Duty title, because they aren't going to have a game without Zombies. Will I still be around to see what they do? Of course.

Does that mean I'm going to like it? Probably not. If this is truly the last we'll see of Dempsey, Nikolai, Takeo, and Richtofen, then I have little hope that whatever story that hack Blundell comes up with next will even measure against this (a story which, frankly, started going off the rails once Black Ops 2 came out). I have once again been left disappointed by the ending to Zombies, and I'm now completely hopeless that the story will go anywhere meaningful in the future. And there's nothing that will change that, either. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

On the bright side, with the conclusion to Zombies this year, I am now happily rid of the knuckle-dragging troglodytes that make up the community. No longer will I subject myself to countless "POSSIBLE RETURN OF [INSERT OLD ZOMBIES THING]?!?!?!?" and "OMG JASON BLUNDELL SAID WE MIGHT SEE SOMETHING!!!!!!" videos. Gone will be the days of watching poor, gullible saps cling to the words of a writer who thinks he's clever and mysterious, eating everything up and relaying far-fetched conspiracy theories
 (or explaining everything in great detail to the point of jargon) to audiences who do the same in turn. At least until the next Zombies experience, I suppose. But there's always a silver lining, and this is it.

So, we've once again ended Zombies on a whimper, and with the development cycle switching between three developers now, we've three years before our next Treyarch Call of Duty. That means three years of accepting this as our current ending, and three years of waiting to see what kind of insanity they think up for the next Zombies experience. I personally have been stripped of any reason to think it will be good in any form, having watched eight years' worth of cryptic, suspenseful build-up thrown away in only one cutscene. When the next ending comes out, I'm sure it will be just as disappointing, because there hasn't been a good ending to Zombies (or any Treyarch Call of Duty, for that matter) since Moon in Black Ops.

At least the songs will be good, if Kevin Sherwood's still around.

Jet fuel can't melt steel memes you filthy Zionist Jews you were the ones behind the Twin Towers falling for the money you'd get from your insurance and the banks you own you long nosed fucks I have a right mind to investigate everything about that day and report my findings to the people at /pol/ and /x/ they believe me and I'll take all of you down for that tragic day just you wait Israel.










I don't even care. The only reason I remembered it was 9/11 was because of fucking Google reminding me.
Well, I can't say I went into this one with any expectations, but I'm pleased to say that this episode was good. Gabby's a cute character, the plot's reminiscent of the earlier seasons, and we've even got continuity going on. The one thing that irks me about this episode is that there's a dreaded musical number, which, yeah, I know there are people who like them, but I want to see the writers try and progress the story along without relying on them (and without making me cringe a little inside). Predictability was also a bit of an issue, but I've come to expect that nowadays from this show. Aside from all of that, it's nice to see an episode that expands on griffons a little more with a new, likable character in one of the lead roles.

8/10
THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO UNIRONICALLY BELIEVE FILMS, LIKE OTHER MEDIA, SHOULD BE CONSIDERED AN ART FORM. THESE PRETENTIOUS FUCKS WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL AND INTELLIGENT FOR WASTING THEIR LIVES AWAY SITTING ON THEIR ASSES AND WATCHING ACTORS PRETEND THEY LIVE IN A FICTIONAL WORLD. WELL, YOU UPTIGHT PRICKS, IF YOU'RE SO DESPERATE TO SEE FILMS YOU WATCH AS ARTISTIC AND DEEP, SPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF WATCHING THIS AND TELL ME THE HIDDEN MEANINGS AND SYMBOLISM, WHY DON'T YOU?


UNDERDOGS (AKA THE UNBEATABLES FOR BRITFAGS AND METEGOL FOR ITS NATIVE COUNTRY ARGENTINA) IS...A MOVIE. IT'S DEFINITELY A MOVIE. ONE THAT I CHALLENGE ANY OF YOU ARTISTIC FUCKS TO FIND ANY SORT OF MEANING BEHIND, BECAUSE HOLY SHIT DID I FIND NONE. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THIS MOVIE WAS INTELLIGENT, CREATIVE, OR EVEN FUCKING COHESIVE. IT MAY BE A MOVIE, BUT IT DOESN'T COME CLOSE TO BEING A STORY, AS IT IS SO LACKING IN ANY KIND OF DEPTH, DEVELOPMENT, PACE, OR EVEN A FOCUS ON THE ACTUAL FUCKING NARRATIVE THAT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT'S ANYTHING BUT OBVIOUS FODDER FOR CHILDREN TO KILL THEIR BRAINS TO.

BUT BEFORE WE GET INTO THAT, A LITTLE BACKSTORY FOR HOW I DISCOVERED THIS LITTLE TURD OF A FILM. THE YEAR WAS 2015. I WAS STILL A WAGESLAVE AT MY LOCAL KMART. RECENTLY, WE HAD INSTALLED A DVD PLAYER IN OUR ELECTRONICS DEPARTMENT TO PLAY THE SAME DVD ON MULTIPLE TVS. THIS DVD WAS FULL OF MOVIE TRAILERS. THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE TRAILERS, AND BOY, DID IT EVER LEAVE QUITE THE IMPRESSION ON ME.


AFTER WAITING FOR A YEAR OR SO TO FIND THIS MOVIE SO I COULD GIVE IT THE PROPER DEMOLISHING IT DESERVED, BIG BRUBBER KOPO AND I FINALLY FOUND THE DAMN THING ON NETFLIX, SUPPLE AND WAITING FOR OUR PREDATORY EYES. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THIS IS WHAT CAME OF THAT VIEWING.

PLOT, CHARACTERS, WRITING. JUST FUCKING EVERYTHING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT OTHER CATERGORIES TO MAKE FOR A MOVIE
IF YOU CAN EVEN CALL THE MANGLED EVENTS WITHIN THIS FILM A "PLOT", WHERE THE FUCK DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH THIS SHIT? WE'RE TAKEN TO SOME FAMILY IN A HOME AT NIGHT. THE KID FEELS LIKE SHIT SO PAPA COMES TO THE RESCUE WITH AN "INSPIRING" STORY (IT'S INSPIRING, ALRIGHT. IT'LL INSPIRE YOUR KID TO JUMP OFF OF A BRIDGE) THAT IS OBVIOUSLY JUST HIS PAST LIFE.

WE ARE NOW IN THE PAST, VIEWING THE LIFE OF JAKE, A SMALL CHILD CERTAINLY BREAKING SOME LAW SOMEWHERE BY BEING AN UNDERAGED WORKER IN A CAFE. THERE, HE HAS HIS FIRST BONER AT THE SIGHT OF LAURA, WHO HE WILL OBVIOUSLY GET WITH AT THE END OF THE MOVIE (I DON'T FUCKING GIVE A SHIT IF THAT SPOILER CAME TOO EARLY. NOTHING IN THE MOVIE HINTS THAT THEY WON'T BECOME A THING). ONCE THIS IS ESTABLISHED, IN COMES THE BIG BAD BULLY, ACE. HE BULLIES JAKE A LITTLE UNTIL LAURA TELLS JAKE TO STOP BEING A PUSSY AND BEAT HIM IN A GAME OF FOOSBALL, WHICH HE DOES. THIS EARNS THE APPLAUSE OF EVERYONE IN THE CAFE, WHO WERE IGNORING EVERYTHING UNTIL THAT MOMENT JUST SO JAKE COULD FEEL EXTRA SPECIAL. ACE RUNS OUT AND BITCHES THAT HE'LL "GET THIS TOWN TO LIKE HIM", AND IT THEN HITS YOU THAT, YES, THE ENTIRE TOWN OF PEOPLE HATES THIS ONE KID. HOLY FUCK, WHAT IS THIS CHILD DOING THAT AN ENTIRE TOWN WANTS HIM DEAD? WHATEVER, ACE SWEARS REVENGE BECAUSE HE'S A PETTY BITCHASS WHO PROCLAIMS HE NEVER LOSES AT ANYTHING.

FLASHFORWARD SOME UNANNOUNCED AMOUNT OF YEARS. JAKE AND LAURA ARE NOW ADULTS. LAURA IS LEAVING FOR ART SCHOOL AND JAKE IS DEPRESSED ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE BEFORE ACE SHOWS UP IN SOME STUPID GRAND ENTRANCE. ACE IS NOW THE BEST SOCCER PLAYER IN THE WORLD AND IS SUPER RICH AND POWERFUL. HIS FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS TO TEAR DOWN THE TOWN AND CREATE A NEW STADIUM BECAUSE HE'S STILL MAD THAT HE LOST THAT FOOSBALL GAME. HOLY SHIT, SON, YOU ARE PATHETIC. AS THE BULLDOZERS AND OTHER VEHICLES AIM FOR THE CAFE, IT IS SAVED BY THE EFFORTS OF JAKE AND-


YEP.

WHILE THIS IS HAPPENING, LAURA DECIDES TO TAKE THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION THAT ONLY A WOMAN CAN: BITCH AT ACE FOR HIS MISDEEDS. SHE EVEN DECIDES TO FOLLOW HIM ALL THE WAY BACK INTO HIS HELICOPTER JUST TO ARGUE WITH HIM, AND IS THEN KIDNAPPED BY ACE.

LET ME REPEAT THAT.

WILLINGLY. STEPPED INTO. THE HELICOPTER.

STRAP YOURSELVES IN AND GRAB THE LUBE, BECAUSE IT'S ALL GOING DOWNHILL FROM HERE. JAKE, HAVING FAILED TO TELL LAURA HE LOVES HER, FAILING TO SAVE HIS TOWN FROM ACE, AND FAILING TO EVEN SAVE HIS FOOSBALL TABLE, CRIES WITH ONLY ONE OF THE PLASTIC FOOSBALL FIGURINES LEFT. AND, OH BOY, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.




THIS IS THE FACE YOU SEE WHEN YOU DIE.

SO, YEAH, UNDERDOGS JUST PULLED A "POKEMON: THE FIRST MOVIE". BUT LET ME TELL YOU, BRINGING AN INANIMATE OBJECT BACK TO LIFE THROUGH CRYING ISN'T EVEN THE WORST THING THIS MOVIE DOES. WE'LL GET TO THAT. FOR NOW, THE NOW-LIVING FIGURINE, NAMED SKIPPER, SAYS THAT JAKE'S TEARS ARE "MAGIC" (UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) AND THAT HE'LL HELP JAKE FIND LAURA, BUT THEY FIRST HAVE TO FIND THE REST OF THE FOOSBALL PLAYERS. MEANWHILE, ACE AND LAURA TALK WHILE HE FLIES HIS HELICOPTER AND NEARLY KILLS PEOPLE ON THE GROUND BELOW. RIVETING. THEN WE'RE BACK WITH JAKE AND SKIPPER AT A JUNKYARD. HERE, IT IS REVEALED THAT, FOR NO REASON, ALL OF THE OTHER FIGURINES ARE SUDDENLY ALIVE LIKE SKIPPER, EVEN THOUGH THEY RECEIVED NO MAGICAL TEARS. JAKE FINDS ABOUT THREE OF THEM, AND THEN THE FIGURINES ARE SUDDENLY ATTACKED BY RATS. JAKE, STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE FIGURINES AND THE RATS OPTS TO DO NOTHING. AT ALL. THE RATS CHASE THE FIGURINES, CAPTURE ONE NAMED RICO, AND THEN RICO IS ABLE TO TAME IT AND RIDE IT LIKE A HORSE BACK TO THE OTHER FIGURINES' HIDING PLACE. ALL IN THE SPAN OF A FEW MINUTES.

I'M NOT JOKING. THIS IS THE POINT IN THE MOVIE WHERE ITS RAGING SCHIZOPHRENIA DEFINITELY SHOWS. SCENES BEGIN TO CUT TO AND FRO, MAKE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER, FOCUS ON SOMETHING FOR A SOLID TWENTY SECONDS, AND SERVE ABSOLUTELY NO POINT IN DEVELOPING CHARACTERS OR PROGRESSING THE PLOT.

SO WHATEVER, THE FOOSBALL TABLE WITH THE REST OF THE FIGURINES IS FOUND, BUT TAKEN BY SOME CARNIVAL GUYS (BUT NOT BEFORE JAKE PILOTS A BULLDOZER BECAUSE HE CAN TO PREVENT THE BAD GUYS FROM GETTING IT). IN THE PROCESS, SEVERAL THINGS HAPPEN THAT NOBODY SHOULD CARE ABOUT: RICO RIDES A RAT AND IS ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH A MOVING CAR (YEP). RICO LOSES HIS HAIR. WE SEE ACE AND LAURA DOING NOTHING. THE CHARACTERS FOLLOW THE TRAIL RICO'S HAIR MADE TO REACH THE CARNIVAL (SOMEHOW HAVING KEPT UP WITH BOTH THE RAT AND THE CAR).

DEAR READER, THIS IS WHERE I WILL FULLY ADMIT THAT WE HAVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM. EVERY PROBLEM THAT COMPOUNDS THE MOVIE IS DOUBLED HERE, AND IT NEVER RECOVERS. SO, WHAT DO WE HAVE TO WORK WITH? THE REST OF THE FIGURINES ARE HERE AT THE CARNIVAL, EITHER BEING USED AS PART OF THE ATTRACTIONS, OR JUST, I DUNNO, FUCKING BEING THERE BECAUSE THEY CAN. WE'RE HIT WITH SEVERAL SCENES OF PURE NOTHING, WITH LITTLE RELEVANCE TO THE PLOT AT HAND. SKIPPER AND A COUPLE OTHER FIGURINES GO OFF TO SAVE THE MARIO BROTHERS IN FIGURE FORM, RICO IS PUT IN SOME SHITTY PUPPET SHOW BECAUSE "LOL, IT'S COMIC RELIEF GUYS!", JAKE RESCUES SOME OTHER GUYS. A PLAN IS FORMED TO HAVE THE BAD GUYS TAKE THE REST OF THE FIGURES ON THE TABLE TO LEAD THEM TO ACE. IT'S ABOUT AS FORMULAIC AS YOU CAN GET, AND IT'S ALL DONE WITHIN SUCH A SHORT TIMESPAN THAT YOU WONDER WHY THEY HAD THE FIGURINES GET LOST IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN THE END GOAL AFTER JAKE GETS ALL OF THEM?

SO ONCE A MAJORITY OF THE TEAM IS SAVED, INSTEAD OF, I DUNNO, HEADING TO ACE'S, THEY DECIDE TO FUCK AROUND AND PLAY A GAME OF SOCCER TO A GENERIC POP TUNE CREATED SOLELY FOR THIS MOVIE. DON'T WORRY, I WON'T LINK IT BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER HOW IT WENT. AT ALL. WHEN THEY SEE JAKE IS STILL IN LINKIN PARK MODE, THEY DECIDE TO ACTUALLY GO SAVE LAURA BECAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY NOT WHAT THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH IN THE FIRST PLACE. JAKE IS ABLE TO USE UNSEEN KUNG FU MOVES TO REPLACE THE DRIVER OF THE BAD GUY'S CAR WITH HIMSELF (WHICH BRINGS INTO QUESTION WHY THEY HAD THE OTHER FIGURINES GET CAPTURED IN THE FIRST PLACE), AND HE'S SOMEHOW ABLE TO KNOW HOW TO GET TO ACE'S, EVEN THOUGH HE'S NEVER BEEN THERE.

"BUT WAIT, CHUCK," YOU'RE ASKING, "WHAT'S GOING ON WITH LAURA AND ACE RIGHT NOW?" AND YOU KNOW, I COULD TELL YOU SOMETHING SINCE THE MOVIE LOVES RANDOMLY CUTTING TO THEM, BUT I CAN WHOLEHEARTEDLY TELL YOU THAT THEY'VE DONE BUTTFUCK NOTHING UNTIL JAKE SHOWS UP. EVERY SINGLE SCENE WITH THESE TWO ONLY SERVES TO STALL US FROM WHAT LITTLE MAIN PLOT IS EVEN OCCURING AT THE TIME. IF YOU WANTED ME TO BE HONEST AND SKIP ALL OF THE BULLSHIT, I WOULDN'T EVEN COVER THE ENTIRE SECOND ACT OF THIS MOVIE. IT IS A WHOLE LOAD OF NOTHING.

SO, NOW THAT JAKE IS THERE, ACE AND LAURA END UP DOING SOMETHING THAT ISN'T USELESS TO THE PLOT AND HEAD TO SOME SECRET UNDERGROUND LABORATORY AT ACE'S HOUSE. THE FIRST QUESTION THAT SPRINGS TO MIND IS: "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS EVEN DOING HERE?" GUESS WHAT? IT GETS BETTER. IN THIS UNDERGROUND LABORATORY THAT'S JUST HERE, ACE (OR SCIENTISTS WORKING FOR HIM? NEVER BROUGHT UP. DOESN'T MATTER) IS HARD AT WORK...

JUST...

JUST LOOK AT IT.






FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN'T TELL, ACE IS HARD AT WORK MIXING ANIMALS WITH SPORTS EQUIPMENT.

WHY. WHY IS HE DOING THIS? WHY IS THIS SUDDENLY IN THE MOVIE? THIS IS SO LEFT FIELD AND OUT OF NOWHERE. IS THERE A BENEFIT TO HIM? DOES THIS SOMEHOW MAKE HIM BETTER AT SOCCER? ARE THEY GOING TO SELL THESE ANIMALS? ARE THEY JUST DOING IT BECAUSE THEY CAN?

MIGHT AS WELL STOP ASKING QUESTIONS, BECAUSE EITHER IT NEVER TELLS YOU WHY HE'S DOING THIS, OR I DON'T REMEMBER BECAUSE, WELL, YOU'LL SEE IN A MINUTE.

SO YEAH, ACE IS DOING THIS, AND USING THE CAPTURED FIGURINES, WANTS TO MIX SOMETHING WITH HIS SHOE IN A GRINDER. ...BUT A GRINDER WOULD JUST DESTROY BOTH OF THEM. KNOW WHAT? I'M DONE ASKING. AS THE FIGURINES ALMOST MEET THEIR DOOM, JAKE AND THE REST ARE ABLE TO BREAK IN, ACE FIGHTING OFF JAKE EFFORTLESSLY WHILE THE FIGURES SAVE THE OTHER FIGURES. YIPPEE, I'M SO GLAD THEY'RE DOING THAT. I'M SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THEIR PLIGHT AND HOPE THEY MAKE IT OUT OKAY. SOME MISTAKE OR SOMETHING HAPPENS, ANIMALS ARE LET LOOSE AND GAS IS LEAKED IN THE LAB, AND AS JAKE, ACE, AND LAURA ESCAPE, THERE'S A SUDDEN SPARK FROM A SCREW HITTING THE GRINDER. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?


AND YOU'RE PROBABLY ASKING: "WHAT ABOUT THE ANIMALS INSIDE? WHAT ABOUT ACE'S PLANS?" IT'S OKAY, LITTLE ONE, BECAUSE LIKE THE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED CONCEPTS, THIS PLOT POINT IS COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN. NEVER AGAIN IS IT GIVEN EVEN A PASSING MENTION BY ANY OF THE CHARACTERS WHATSOEVER. WHEN I FIRST LEARNED OF THIS, I WAS LEFT WONDERING WHY SUCH A THING WAS EVEN PUT IN THIS MOVIE IF IT WAS GOING TO BE DISPOSED OF SO QUICKLY.

AFTER THE DESTRUCTION OF THE LAB, WE FINALLY GET BACK ON TRACK WITH THE PLOT THE TRAILERS BUILT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND ONE THE MOVIE SEEMED TO HAVE FORGOTTEN UNTIL NOW: THE FATE OF JAKE'S TOWN. JAKE AND LAURA, HAVING BEEN ARRESTED, CHALLENGE ACE TO A GAME OF SOCCER TO SAVE THE TOWN. THE POLICE SEEM TO FORGET TO THROW THEM IN JAIL, HOWEVER, BECAUSE THEY'RE RIGHT TO RECRUITING PEOPLE FROM THE TOWN FOR THEIR SOCCER TEAM THE NEXT DAY. NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPENS EXCEPT ROMANTIC TENSION BETWEEN JAKE AND LAURA, THE TEAM FORMING AND SHIT, ACE GETTING HIS TEAM TOGETHER, ETC. ETC. ETC. ETC. JUST END ALREADY.

WE'RE FINALLY AT THE BIG GAME. YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT WAS SUDDENLY MADE A PLOT POINT ABOUT TEN MINUTES AGO. UNEXPECTEDLY, JAKE'S TEAM SUCKS DICK AT SOCCER IN COMPARISON TO ACE'S TEAM OF PROFESSIONALS, AND THE BEST SLAPSTICK SCENES OCCUR IN THIS PART OF THE FILM BECAUSE OF THAT.



I WASN'T JOKING. THIS IS THE ONLY JOKE IN THE MOVIE I GENUINELY LIKED. LISTENING TO THE SCREAMS OF DYING ANNOUNCERS, WHILE DARK FOR A KIDS' MOVIE, IS RIGHT UP MY ALLEY.

ACE'S TEAM IS WINNING, SO THE FIGURINES, FINALLY BEING USEFUL FOR ONCE DECIDE TO HELP TURN THE GAME IN JAKE'S FAVOR, MOVING THE BALL AROUND, PREVENTING ACE'S TEAM FROM SCORING, AND A COUPLE OTHER THINGS THAT HELP THE USELESS TEAM. PLEASE, PAY ATTENTION TO THE WORD I JUST USED. USELESS. THIS TEAM IS NOT GOOD. THEY CANNOT PLAY WORTH SHIT. JAKE, NOTICING THE FIGURINES INTERFERENCE, CRIES AND BITCHES TO THEM THAT, NO, THE FATE OF MY TOWN IS NOT ABOVE CHEATING TO WIN THIS GAME. PLEASE, UNDERDOGS, DON'T HELP ME TRY TO SAVE MY VERY WAY OF LIFE, BECAUSE CHEATING IS BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. AND WHILE I AND THE FIGURINES ARE LIKE, "DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK, ARE YOU RETARDED?" IT'S OKAY, BECAUSE SUDDENLY JAKE'S TEAM IS COMPETENT, ABLE TO PLAY, AND HOLD THEIR OWN AGAINST ACE'S TEAM.

UH, EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU'RE PLAYING AGAINST PROFESSIONAL SOCCER PLAYERS. YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN ON THE FIELD WITH THEM FOR AN HOUR. DO NOT GIVE ME THIS SHIT THAT THEY'RE SUDDENLY GOOD JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A TOWN TO SAVE. MOTIVATION OR NOT, IF YOU'RE AWFUL AT SOMETHING, YOU'RE AWFUL AT IT UNTIL YOU'VE HAD A GOOD AMOUNT OF PRACTICE AND EXPERIENCE.

BUT HEY, WHATEVER, WHO CARES? THIS IS JUST A STUPID KIDS' MOVIE. THEY WON'T QUESTION ANYTHING BECAUSE KIDS ARE STUPID. WHO NEEDS TO MAKE SENSE?

SO WEEEEE THEY PLAY AND IT'S SUPER CLOSE AND SHIT AND ACE IS AFRAID OF LOSING AGAIN. TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING, ACE KICKS JAKE'S LEG AND RUNS THE BALL TO THE OPPOSITE END OF THE FIELD TO SCORE, AND IT'S SO DRAMATIC BECAUSE IT'LL EITHER BE A TIE OR ACE WILL WIN. JAKE, MIRACULOUSLY IGNORING HIS INJURY, CHASES ACE TO PREVENT HIM FROM MAKING THE GOAL. GUESS WHAT, THOUGH? HE DOESN'T SUCCEED. YEP, ACE WINS THE GAME AND GLOATS ABOUT IT, BUT HERE COMES THE MORAL BULLSHIT THAT MAKES HIM A LOSER IN THE END. THE CROWD ISN'T CHEERING FOR ACE, BECAUSE, OH NO, HE DID A MEAN THING TO JAKE AND NOW PEOPLE KNOW THAT ACE IS AN ASSHOLE.

UH.

HOLD ON.

HE'S BEEN AN OBVIOUS ASSHOLE FROM THE BEGINNING. I MEAN, HELLO, HE WAS GOING TO TEAR DOWN AN ENTIRE TOWN FULL OF PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE IT REMINDED HIM OF HIS LOSS AS A CHILD. HOW CAN THESE PEOPLE JUST NOW BE SEEING THIS? HOW DOES HE EVEN HAVE FANS? WHY IS HE FAMOUS WHEN HE PULLS THIS KIND OF SHIT ON A REGULAR BASIS?

I...I'M SO GLAD THE MOVIE WAS ABOUT OVER AT THIS POINT. THIS WAS TOO MUCH. EXCEPT, WAIT, ACE STILL WON, SO HE STILL GOT TO TEAR DOWN THE TOWN. IT'S OKAY, THOUGH, BECAUSE AS JAKE EXPLAINS IN A MONOLOGUE TO HIS SON, THE PEOPLE WERE ABLE TO JUST UP AND BUILD AN ENTIRELY NEW TOWN. YEP. THEY HAD THE MONEY, RESOURCES, AND TIME TO JUST BUILD A COMPLETELY NEW TOWN TO LIVE IN WHILE ACE WAS ABLE TO TEAR DOWN THE OLD ONE TO MAKE HIS STADIUM AND SHIT. UH, HEY, WHAT HAPPENED IN BETWEEN THE OLD TOWN'S DESTRUCTION AND THE NEW ONE'S CONSTRUCTION? DID THE TOWNSPEOPLE HAVE ANYWHERE TO LIVE? WERE THEY GIVEN PUBLIC HOUSING BY SOME CHARITY? HELL, IF THIS WAS AN OPTION, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE?


WHY AM I STILL ASKING QUESTIONS?


JAKE AND LAURA GET TOGETHER, AND WE'RE BACK IN THE PRESENT. JAKE'S KID IS, OF COURSE, FEELING BETTER NOW THAT JAKE HAS TOLD SUCH AN AMAZING, INSPIRATIONAL, NONSENSICAL, PLOT-HOLE RIDDEN STORY. JAKE GOES TO TAKE HIS MEDS AND LETS HIS SON SLEEP KNOWING HIS FATHER IS EITHER INSANE OR RETARDED. HOWEVER, THE SON GETS UP ONCE AGAIN, GOES TO THE GARAGE, AND FINDS JAKE WITH THE STILL LIVING UNDERDOGS FIGURINES. JAKE, OUT OF SOME RANDOM KINDNESS, LETS HIS SON BECOME THE COACH FOR THE OTHER FIGURINE TEAM, THE NAME OF WHICH ESCAPES ME (AND DON'T CARE TO REMEMBER, EITHER). THE END.

FUCK THIS, I'M JUST GETTING TO THE CHARACTERS.

JAKE: OUR MAIN PROTAGONIST AND HATEABLE LOSER. HE IS DEPRESSED FOR TWO THIRDS OF THE MOVIE, AND THEN SUDDENLY GROWS A SENSE OF HONOR IN THE SOCCER GAME. CONSIDERING HOW LITTLE HE ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHES, I WOULDN'T EVEN REALLY CALL HIM A HERO.

LAURA: MAIN BITCH/LOVE INTEREST. SHE'S APPARENTLY GOING TO HEAD OUT TO ART SCHOOL, BUT SHOWS NO ARTISTIC PROWESS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE (IT'S NOT LIKE IT'D MAKE A DIFFERENCE. ART DEGREES ARE USELESS ANYWAYS, WHETHER YOU CAN DRAW OR NOT. LOW BLOW, ARTIST FRIENDS?). HER ONLY USE IS TO BE JAKE'S MOTIVATOR AND HIS MOUTH WHEN THE LITTLE PUSSY CAN'T SPEAK FOR HIMSELF. YOU NEVER EVEN SEE HER OLDER SELF, AND SHE'S ONLY IN LIKE HALF THE MOVIE, SO IS SHE REALLY THAT IMPORTANT?

ACE: THE PETTY LITTLE BITCHASS WHO CAN'T LET GO OF A GRUDGE. I'M SERIOUS WHEN I SAY THAT ACE IS BY FAR ONE OF THE WORST VILLAINS I'VE SEEN IN ANY FORM OF MEDIA. HIS MAIN MOTIVATION IS BEING A WHINY, SORE LOSER WHO'S SALTY HE GOT HIS ASS KICKED ONCE, AS A KID. HIS RESPONSE TO SUCH A TRAUMATIC LIFE EVENT ISN'T INDICATIVE OF SOME FORM OF INSANITY WHATSOEVER. NO SIR. THE FUNNY THING IS, I EXPECTED ACE TO BE PRETTY SMART, IF HIS TRAILER DEPICTION WAS ANYTHING TO GO BY, BUT HE'S AS DUMB AS ANYONE WHO UNIRONICALLY LIKES THIS MOVIE.

THE FIGURINES: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO NAME THEM INDIVIDUALLY BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO. YOU HAVE THE LEADER, EGOMANIAC, ITALIAN STEREOTYPES, HIPPIE/STONER DUDE, RUSSIAN GUY, ASIAN, EDGY, AND THEN THERE'S THE OTHER TEAM, TOO. THE FUNNY THING IS, THEY GET A GOOD AMOUNT OF THE SCREENTIME THROUGHOUT THE FILM, AND YET ARE PROBABLY THE MOST FLAT, USELESS CHARACTERS IN IT. I WAS CONVINCED THEY'D HELP JAKE LEARN HOW TO PLAY SOCCER, BUT THEY WERE BARELY CAPABLE OF EVEN HELPING JAKE SAVE LAURA. AS SAID ABOVE, THEY ONLY BECOME USEFUL DURING THE SOCCER GAME FOR A GRAND TOTAL OF TWO MINUTES.

ACE'S FAT, OLD EMPLOYEE: DID ACE'S DIRTY WORK AND THEN DITCHED HIM AT THE END BECAUSE HE HATED HIM ALL ALONG I GUESS? FUCK IF I KNOW. HE WAS VOICED BY MEL BROOKS, AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

ALL THE OTHER TOWNSFOLK: NOBODY CARES.

I'D ALSO LIKE TO NOTE THAT THE ACTING IN THIS MOVIE WAS ATROCIOUS. LINES WERE DELIVERED POORLY AND NOBODY SOUNDED LIKE THEY CARED. LIKE, THEY WERE ALL JUST READING THE SCRIPTS AND THAT'S IT. NONE OF THEM SOUNDED REAL. NOBODY WAS REALLY ACTING.

CONCLUSION
YOU KNOW WHAT? I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED BY ANY OF THIS. WAY BACK WHEN I WAS WATCHING THIS TRAILER IN KKKMART, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT I WAS GETTING MYSELF INTO WHEN I STARTED WATCHING. IT LOOKED TO BE THE LOWEST OF THE LOW TIER CHILDREN'S FODDER, AND BY GOD WAS I RIGHT IN THAT ASSUMPTION. CURIOUSLY ENOUGH, THE MURRICAN VERSION OF THIS FILM HAS ABOUT TWENTY ONE MINUTES OF CUT FOOTAGE, MAKING THE RUN TIME ABOUT AN HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES. THE ORIGINAL VERSION HAS AN EXTRA AMOUNT OF FOOTAGE, BUT WOULD THAT MAKE UP FOR THIS? DID THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE FINAL PRODUCT'S QUALITY? FUCK IF I CARE, THE ENGLISH VERSION HAS FOREVER TAINTED ME, AND I CAN NEVER LOOK AT THIS MOVIE IN A POSITIVE LIGHT.

0/10
Well, this was an episode alright. It wasn't particularly a good or bad episode. I think it started out pretty well, and I was even pleasantly surprised to see Snails picked as the basket holder for the team (wasn't expecting him of all characters, and he was a nice character to watch). What I think really ruined things for me was when Rainbow and Applejack put Fluttershy and Pinkie through hardcore training, because it felt like another instance of "character acts dumb for the sake of the plot". I mean, could they not see that by pressuring Fluttershy and Pinkie, they were fucking them up and making them worse? Realistically, would it really take them until the third act of the episode to notice this?

Personally, I think it would've played out much better if they had established the team, gone to Appleloosa, played there, and the conflict could have stemmed from the game itself and all it entails. At least we got to see the game, though. This episode succeeded where The Cart Before the Ponies failed.

Also, of interesting note, Little Strongheart was supposed to make some kind of appearance in this episode.

Yet, oh so shockingly, I saw her nowhere. Man, it feels like the video games industry all over again.

5/10